Suicidal? Meet the People Who Can Save You.

Suicide. Over the course of my life, I have been forced to deal with a lot of pain, pain that was literally unbearable. I would go to sleep at night and just think over every mistake that day, and I wouldn't be able to take it. I would hurt myself in every way I could think of. I would starve myself, I would slap myself and claw myself and do just about anything that woud cause me pain.

I never actually wanted to be in pain. I hated the pain I caused myself, but I felt like I deserved it. I felt worthless, pointless, like I was a waste of human life. I reached the point where I decided I wanted to die, just to be free, just to escape from the reality that I saw unbearable. I decided to commit suicide.

On television one day, I came across a channel talking about a girl that committed suicide. The girl was eighteen. She had gone on a website, gotten ideas for suicide and a suicide note, and done that unthinkable act. I wasn't in my correct mind at the time. I said to myself, "Gee Glenda, if you're going to commit suicide, you should do it right!" So I went to my computer and did something most people would call stupid. Lucky for me, the stupidity saved my life.

I typed in Google.com and in the search bar I typed in suicide, trying to find this magical site that would give me answers. Instead of a How To site, I got a How Not To site. The Samaritans. The name struck a chord with me. The Samaritans? Like people who do good deeds? I looked at the Google description.

"Samaritans provides confidential emotional support 24/7 to those experiencing despair, distress or suicidal feelings." Hm. I read it over a few times. It seemed pretty cool. I really doubted it would help me at all, but I was always up for someone to talk to. I Emailed them right away, telling them everything, and I mean everything, about my life.

I told them about my family, my friends, and my feeling toward myself. I thought I'd get a response somewhere along the lines of, "You should probably see a doctor if you're feeling that way, or talk to your parents." Or, "Suicide is not the answer! DO NOT kill yourself, go to the Emergency Room RIGHT NOW!" But that wasn't what I got.

What I got was a letter not filled with answers, but questions. Asking me to find the answers myself. That may sound kind of shady, but each question was perfect. They weren't going to walk on glass around me like I was a lunatic, they were going to help me. They forced me to remember every little thing that had ever hurt me, every little thing that had ever made me want to die. They made me figure out every little detail. It was great.

All I had ever felt before the Samaritans was that i had no one to talk to, no one that would listen to me. Because of this, I kept everything to myself, never letting anyone know how I felt. I had to bury everything until I exploded, until I felt the need to die. The Samaritans listened to me, they were the first people to actually listen to me. They made me come to terms with every ugly thing that had ever happened to me, and they made me stronger.

I wish I could say that I'm 100% happy all the time, that the Samaritans made me the poster child for getting through heartache, or that I will never think about suicide again. I can't. I will say, however, that I am a lot happier, and that now I am able to get through the day without hurting myself, and without wanting to die. I now know that I have someone that I can talk to without judging me, and that thought is very comforting.

I am very glad to be alive, and so grateful that I didn't kill myself. there is so much to live for, and Samaritans reminded me of that. If you want to contact The Samaritans, you can go to www.samaritans.org, or just email jo@samaritans.org. You don't have to be alone through this, and if you know anyone who may be considering suicide (someone you think may not want to talk to you about it) neither do they. The Samaritans are the people that every suicidal person should know about, unfortunately, most don't. You can save yourself and others with the simple help of an anonymous friend. My friend. The Samaritans.