The Brown Bonanza - Will He Or Won't He?

Every single living, breathing organism that calls themselves a journalist is jumping over each other in a sort of unnatural way over one question that has been dominating the headlines for weeks now: WILL GORDON BROWN CALL AN AUTUMN ELECTION? Every single tiny thing he does is speculated wildly as a way of showing that they think there will be or not. From revisiting Iraq to roaring down a microphone (if Gordon could roar, that is), everything seems to call back to that question. The Conservatives are panicking with Cameron shouting "Don't Panic!" in a Dad's Army style whereas The Liberal Democrats are hoping that there is one as they feel it's the only chance they have. Who is right, who is wrong and who is left in this mess of politics?

Personally, I think Gordon would be a bloody idiot to call an election right now. It's near winter, a time where most people would rather stay in their homes and be warm instead of braving the wet wilderness that used to be their garden. It is the wrong time of year for everyone, near Christmas and Halloween; it would get caught up in Seasonal Politics: terrible jokes about vampires and Christmas Bonuses promises ahoy. If he truly believes in his party then perhaps he should wait until the traditional May when we expect to see the fluttering of billboards of political slogans everywhere in the dreary sunshine and drizzle. It would confuse the wildlife for a start, seeing all this extra colour around, although it may benefit the poor ickle birdies as they can line their nest with the cardboard.

So, there's my opinion. If he calls an election, I will eat my words...maybe with some tartar sauce or something. I will, you can hold me to it. But for now, just in case, here is a round-up of all the parties, just so you can refamiliarize yourself with them. Have fun and don't die of boredom!

New Labour

Ahh, those lovely civil-warring Thatcherites. The backbenchers are revolting (and I do not mean that their dress-sense is awful... but that's true anyway), they are mired in scandal after scandal; Sex, drugs... more sex... immigration, illegal wars, more sex, Catherine Tate, murderers set loose, NHS in a sorry state, Home Office would be better off based in Basra, John Prescott... The only thing to make this party anymore like Thatcher's would be if Gordon turned up for duty in a nice A-line skirt and high heels.

And then there is this new campaign: Not Flash, But Gordon .

Hardly inspiring at all. If we want Flash Gordon we would vote him in, with Superman as his Chancellor but it's rather... bad. Well, when I say rather , I mean extremely. Besides it can work in many ways for different politicians:

• Not Tennant but David
• Not Merciless but Ming
• Not Edmund but Hillary

Anyone else who can think up anymore will be very welcome and will receive the bonus prize of absolutely nothing.

Conservatives

If Labour is being like the Tories, then God only knows who the Tories are trying to be. Super Cool Dave, who nearly did cannabis and likes The Arctic Monkeys, is throwing policies left, right and center and I don't only mean politically.

Of course, in Scotland, no-one likes a Tory. It's a traditional thing with us Scots. It's like England and Tyranny or Russia and Vodka. It's tradition. We have no standard elected Tories in the Scottish Parliament and we don't want them. So that is against them anyway.

Although, personally, I don't believe he is human. He's brought the Tories from the Dark Ages, many people like him but don't know why and he is youthful and hypnotic...

OH MY GOD, DAVID CAMERON IS THE MASTER! Don't vote Tory! He's a Timelord!

Liberal Democrats

Charles Kennedy. Drinker. Ginger. Scottish. Funny. Nuff said.

NO wait, I lied. They fired him! That sexy (yeah, I said it. Deal with it!) Politician. I ran for the Lib Dems in my school for that man!

Now... they are a weak party which Labour uses as a pivot and are run by a man named Menzies, pronounced MING-ISS because of a defunct Scottish letter, zog. Oh, that's helpful. I do not know how on Earth they feel that this election has to be now, apart from worrying that he won't last until Christmas, his regeneration process is defunct and has been for the past three decades. And then you have that awful, awful picture of him, pointing vacantly to a toilet.

Sorry mate, it looks doubtful.

Other Parties

1. SNP - Pros - Is ran by some dude named Alec Salmond, wanted independence for Scotland. Cons - They are like a warped Lib Dems...not a good thing.
2. SSP - Pros - Socialistic, free school meals for every kid, wants to legalize pot. Cons - Tommy Sheridan... Enough said.
3. BNP - Pro....uh..... Cons - Racist behind all the Daily Express readers.
4. Green Party - Pros - Want a better place for us to live. Cons - Generally associated with hippies.
5. Screaming Loony Party - Pros - Honest! Cons - I don't like Marmite...

Basically, if you want a roundup, the political parties of this country is like a drinks cabinet. UKIP is orangeade (...I'm not even explaining that one), Green is absinthe (natural but illegal and kooky), Screaming Loony Party (methanol). But the two big ones are blood, Labour just being blood without being ashamed and the Tories pretending their blood is blue and they are superior. What about the Liberal Democrats, I hear you ask in my crazy head? What are they? They are urea, all the junk and crap that were in the blood but the blood didn't like it.

The government is a super-cocktail. Be careful of what you bung in as it may kill you, eventually.