Glasgow: City of Sport. Aye, right.

Glasgow, not content on being dubbed the City of Culture back in the early Nineties went for gold at the race to hold the 2014 Commonwealth Games. And by some miracle, they beat Nigerian capital Abuja in the race by a 47 to 28 vote. Glaswegians all were celebrating in the Glasgow Style: parties, getting drunk and generally being noisy.

How in the name of all that is holy did Glasgow manage that one?

Yes, the city may be up on it's feet financially by being named one of the top twenty financial centres in Europe and has many, many, many famous names tagged to it. Yes, it has four universities (The University of Glasgow, Glasgow Caledonian, Strathclyde University and the West of Scotland University) and two specialist higher education authorities (The Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama and the Glasgow School of Art). And naturally, there is so much for the tourists to see and do in Glasgow such as go to any of the many theatres- including the only variety theatre left in Scotland, go to any of the art galleries or museums. Gosh, there's even a special Transport museum for all those I-wanna-be-The-Stig's that may reside in your family. There's innumerable shops for any taste, ranging from Hellfire and Osiris for the dark-minded to Eurasia for witches to Forbidden Planet for sci-fi geeks. There are wonderful places to wine, dine and drink with huge numbers of pubs, clubs and restaurants littered around the place. There's about sixteen Starbucks and The Willow Tea Room - whose interior is still the original one designed by Charles Rennie Mackintosh for your dear old granny.

But there are quite a few problems. Well, okay, one problem.

That problem is the more course inhabitants in shell suits and Burberry.

Neds.

These guys only have exercise when they are running from the police with your DVD player stashed under one arm.

Okay, fair is fair, they look like England Chavs and may seem like 'Wiggers' over in America but this variety is more dangerous. How dangerous, you may ask?

Well, crime here isn't reported a lot. I mean, in the big newspapers. Not even in the tabloids. There is sometimes a mention in a local newspaper. Maybe.

You see, tabloids here do not really care if something has been stolen. Unless it's a priceless painting or a diamond from someone really famous, they don't care. If someone's been stabbed at the weekend, unless it's someone who isn't a Ned or a pretty girl, no one will even hear a whisper about it.

This is normal for Glasgow, we get on with it and make jokes about Neds for the simple fact that is how we've always done things. We laugh at them, they laugh at themselves and we get on with whatever we are doing. Neds have existed for years now up here, minus the title, naturally. As the football hooligans were rampaging in England, many of the Glasgwegians would look at the news in pity, for all the wrong reasons.

"Oh man! Look at him! He's haudin' his basebaw bat aw wrang!"

That's another reason why it shouldn't be here. Few of these Neds actually speak English. They, and a lot of Glasgow, in fact (Including myself, believe it or not) speak Glaswegian. Neds often use their own dialect in a dialect by using a heavy nasal tone.

If you do come to Glasgow, I only have this advice:

Do not accept unofficial taxis. Don't bother with the giftshop. Use your cashcard and not your wallet. Use a designated carpark. Do not approach 'Neds'.

Oh and one, good piece of warning:

'Pal' is a dangerous word. Don't be fooled into thinking this means that you are their friend. This usually means if you give the wrong answer to their question, that ninja death star in their pocket will be going through your head at any moment.