this doesn't even make sense. - Comments

this isnt sympathy but, when i was nine, my brother well. i dont know how to say this, without it being all of a sudden in your face, cause i do that a lot. but my brother killed himself. and now, im feeling it. four years later. nearly five years. it does make sense i guess. cause as you age, you actually start to understand what happened. and it just hits you.

I have almost the exact same problem.

I cried when he died, and then I was fine. Then a year or two ago I wrote everything I knew or remembered about him on a piece of paper. There were seventeen things, and I cried like I had only then learned that he was dead.

There's not really anything we can do, and no, it's not fair.
I just think...I was lucky to even know him. And that worse things have happened to people who picked themselves up and kept on living, so I shouldn't dissolve either.
You just have to keep on going, and keep them in your heart.
I talk to him before I go to sleep at night and fool myself into thinking he can hear me.