Ugh, how do I even TITLE THIS?! - Comments

@ Miss Vampire Is Dead
Thank you. ;-; <3

Please don't kill yourself. </3 I'll listen to you. I'm not on Mibba every day but I try to... I'll message you my email if you want. I'd miss you; I know we don't talk a whole shit ton but I think you're awesome and adorable and you're the last person who deserves to die, trust me. if there's anything I can do please don't hesitate to ask me <3

@ The Real Mitt Romney
can i like love you pls

Been there, done that. I attempted to kill myself in 7th grade but I did it so it would kill my slowly. I've never told anyone this, not even when my mom force me to see a therapist, but I've been "clinically bulimic" for four years now. I don't throw up every day but it's at least two to three times a week. Well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

In 7th grade I was willing to do anything to die. I'd contemplate cutting myself (to this day I've never done it; excluding the time my brother got me drunk and I slashed the shit out of my forearm with a steak knife but I was drunk so I have an excuse, I suppose), I would steal my mom's anti depressants, snort my brothers sleeping pills, choke myself, rip my hair out, starve myself, puke when I'd slip and eat, etc. It wasn't a big deal to me at the time because I was friendless. No one cared about me. My two best friends both left me for their other best friends. In may of 7th grade my mom found a journal I'd made months back and she sent me to a therapist twice. I convinced her that I was fine and I was just doing it for attention, though I wasn't, but after hearing myself say those things and having my mom find out about everything (except bulimia; I refused to write that down because I didn't think it would last more than a few months) it hit me.

I didn't feel bad for doing all those things to myself and making my mom cry. I was more angry than anything, because all of the hair ripping, the crying, the pill taking, the choking, the puking, the starving, all of it had been going on in her house and she never took the time to talk to me. While we were having financial issues, yes, I can understand it, but it only took her a good year after it all started for her to realise?

I'm over it now. I won't be childish and hold something she wasn't aware about against her.

This is going down hill

What I'm trying to say is don't kill yourself. What's making you so sad? What's making you feel stuck?

It's been long since I've visited the thought of hurting myself or suicide - being "clinically bulimic" set aside - but I can still answer both of those questions. What's making me so sad? The fact that no one cares at the end of the day. I'm all alone when night comes. No one is going to go out of their way to be friends with me. No one is going to go out of their way to ask me what's wrong. What's making me feel stuck? Well I'm a 16 year old girl. I don't have my licence. I have to live under my parent's rules. I'm not legally free to do what I want yet and it kind of sucks.

But if you can answer those questions as honestly as possibly, you might just feel a little bit better.

I know we already kind of talked about this on my blog but you can't let anyone or anything hold you back. Now I'm not saying go and kill yourself. I'm saying whatever the reason is for feeling stuck, get past it. Because one way or another you can. And I am not, in no way, telling you to kill yourself. I'm saying move on from feeling stuck and do things that make you smile.

In 7th grade I was a failure. I had no friends, I wasn't happy, I was hurting myself because I felt like a failure but I was too afraid to admit it, I was failing all of my classes.

Fast forward three years and here I am. I have a few close friends, I'm generally happy, I don't feel like a failure, and I was 22 in my class out of 80 last year.

The only person who can help you is yourself. I don't even know how I figured this out myself, but it hit me one day and I've been happier since.

I'm sure there are things you want to do. Maybe you want to write a book? Maybe you want to become a scientist? Maybe you want to take up rock climbing? Maybe you want to read every play by Shakespeare?

In all honestly, you're what I like to call a Debby Downer. Your class is half empty as stupid as it sounds. You have to flip your mindset of how you view life. It's not as shitty as it seems. If you take the time to care for yourself then others will care too. Not everyone is going to care, but those closest to you will care just a little bit more, enough for you to notice.

Maybe make a list of everything you want to do. I don't know what you're interested in, but I still make lists on a monthly basis. I'll just use my list as an example. It might have less than yours because I've been adding and taking away things, and actually doing some of the things I write down, for two years now.

- lose 10 pounds
- read every Hunter S Thompson book
- get a job this summer
- write a story
- train for my mile time to be under 10 minutes
- go to a concert this summer
- go to an amusement park with my best friend
- get a 90 or above on my final global exam
- 75 or above on final geometry exam
- buy oxfords

While some of those are literally petty and don't compare to the rest (buying oxfords holla ) it's something I want to do. And it's something that is going to make me happy.

It's all about looking at the positive things in life no matter how many shitty things there are. We're all going to have bad days, bad weeks, maybe even a bad month. But no should have a bad year. While it does happen, there's really no excuse for it, because when it comes down to it our life depends on the path we choose.

In 7th grade I was 5'3, 91 pounds, a was failing all my glasses, I was hurting myself and crying every night and I was simply unhappy. This year, 10th grade, I'm nearly 5'4 (buy about 1/8 of an inch ) 155 pounds, I am passing all my classes and I'm generally happy.

A lot can happen in a few years. It sucks, but you have to pull yourself out of that shitty mindset, look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself to grow up. I'm not saying this in a mean way to you, I'm just telling you what I did. I told myself I was a pathetic little cunt and moping around all day and contemplating suicide was no way to live.

And in 8th grade I got a little better. I stopped obsessing about suicide. I focused on my grades a little bit. I didn't throw up 10+ times a day.

And in 9th grade I got a little more better. I didn't think about suicide. I got 90s and above on everything. I threw about about 3 or 4 times a day, depending on how I felt emotionally.

And this year I've never thought about suicide. My grades slipped a little bit but it's because of my working habits (they've gone to shit this year because I'm spending too much time on the internet, sleeping, procrastinating and the likes. For example, I should be working on a global project due Tuesday and an English biography due Friday ) and I've managed to only throw up 3 to 5 times a week. While I've gained a shit on of weight over the years of not throwing up, I'm fine with that. I'm learning to lose it the healthy way.

You just need to take the time to think about your future. What do you want to go to college for? Do you want to get married? Do you want children? Do you want to have hobbies? Do you want to live outside of the US? Do you want to read all the works by a specific author? Do you want to get tattoos? Do you want to paint your room hot pink? Do you want to get a cat and name it Mr Pickles?

Life can suck, but it takes your efforts to make it better. The simplest things like wanting to get a kitten and name it Mr Pickles and change how happy you are. Take the time to figure out who you really want to be, what you want to do, and then think about it long and hard. Everyone deserves to be happy, even if it means getting a kitten and naming it Mr Pickles.

holy shit that was long im so sorry I GOT INTO IT AND YOU KNOW I RAMBLE BUT REALLY DON'T KILL YOURSELF YOU'RE TOO RAD TO DIE

@ Join the Masquerade

Yeah, it's different for everyone. Thanks for the advice, though. ♥

I guess I'm just on the other side. I feel that all the crap I have to go through is worth it for the beautiful things :)

@ Join the Masquerade

I feel depressed 98% of the time, that's a given. But the other 2% of the time, I'm laughing and smiling and enjoying the moments in which I'm doing so. You were right about that. The reason why I want to kill myself, though, is because my whole world is basically crumbling and I don't want to live to see it fall completely. I don't define beauty as destruction, if that makes sense. There is so much doubt in my mind that I will view life as beautiful, but I will try to do just that. It's a precious thing, life. I know this. But sometimes I just think I'd be better off not knowing how beautiful it can get if I have to go through all of this pain and agony in order to actually see the amazing qualities of life.

Apologies in advance if I'm missing what you're trying to tell me. ;-;

Life is fucking beautiful. Like, it's beautiful. If there was any real definition of the word.

There are so many amazing things you can do, and feel, and think, and be. You can feel things. That's amazing. You fall on your ass. You feel that, and you feel the hands of those that help you back up again.

Sometimes, the world feels quite bland. It feels full of beauty, yes, but not around you. I don't know how to fix that. I don't know that anyone knows how to fix that. But what works for me is to understand the place I'm in, as you have here, and then understand that it is but one of many places your mind can and will be in. It's not a permanent thing. When someone says they're "always depressed", they have moments where they laugh and smile and feel other, wonderful things, and these moments are just clouded by the crap.

Read a wonderful novel.
Watch a wonderful movie. I could give you many titles if you're running dry.
Do something that lets you see how wonderful life is, and that throwing it away is literally giving up the best thing you'll ever have.