What about virgin shaming? - Comments

@ Maximum Ride;
Thanks hon :)

@ just.add.ice
good for you on taking a stand and setting what you believed in!

I think it's great that your posted this and got a lot of people talking!

About the guys turned off by virgins thing, yeah it really comes down to 1) discomfort, 2) emotionally messy.

I was seeing this guy up until recently and the main reason it didn't get passed a few dates was 1) he was moving to Europe and 2) I am a virgin.

He stressed the fact that he would probably be unfaithful if I wouldn't have sex with him, and that he wasn't comfortable with taking another virginity because it didn't work out too well the first time.

I also wasn't comfortable with the idea of losing it to him knowing he was moving to another continent in a matter of weeks. It's not worth it for the sake of having a summer fling.

@ Kinki Jinki
Well I'm tankful that he was the kind of guy who made people not like him, but if they had still believed him and excuse my language but I wouldn't have given a fat fuck if they did.

@ Clara.
Agreed.
Though I believe if you want sex, have it, I cringe upon the topic of one night stands. I think its a very emotional moment between you and a partner that you hold as very important. Not just a one night thing.
Though me remaining a virgin is somewhat religious, its not the only reason(i.e. no desire). I find it upsetting when people choose to do it for religious reasons and they're seen as some prude with no life.

And, yes on the turn off! I was reading through a forum once and these guys(and women) were saying how men don't want to have sex with a virgin because they don't want to have to deal with the discomfort of a first time and find it a turn off when they do. Like, what?

You're totally fine on the long reply; I like long replies. xD But I'm glad that you agreed. People say that they freak out more when you're sexually active, but I'm finding out that they seem to have more of a reaction when you're not anymore...

@ stallion duck.
Amen, sister! Amen!
I'm sick of it too. At first I never said anything because I knew it was "out of the norm" and now, its like screw it. If they can't understand it, that's their problem. I was honest about my sexuality and they'll just have to deal with it.

@ Divine Moon
I get called a slut on a daily basis and I've had people walk away from me because of my sexual behaviour. Or what they thought my sexual behaviour was. Once someone spreads a rumour, you're "dead", whether it is true or not.

Thank you for posting this. I'm sick of being looked at I'm a three-headed dog when I say I don't want to have sex. If I want it, I want it and if I don't, I don't. It really shouldn't get the reaction it does.

First off THANK YOU for posting this and showing others about this issue.

I, myself am a virgin and I always get looked at like I'm from another planet when I say I haven't had sex. It's not that I don't want to have sex, because yeah there's time I wish that I were but for the most part nah I can live a few more years to months without having sex.

Sex isn't this horrible thing that people like to show it as, while it also shows how sex is like the only thing to makes you cool in some weird way. Sex is also shown to be this moment between you and your partner, something special hopefully not some one night stand thing.

Anyway, being a virgin is kind of the same way depending on the people. To some being a virgin is a good thing whether it's religious reason or you might be like me and think that it is not totally important. Because I never saw sex as being something I absolutely needed or a horrible thing either. I'm not saving myself for God or anything like that. I'm just wanting it to be with someone that isn't going to leave the next morning or week or months down the road.

Being a virgin, for some reason to guys can also be a turn off?? I watched that on an episode of GIRLS where Shoshanna Shapiro, Zosia Mamet's character gets with a guy that she really likes....but in the middle of the 'Moment' she tells him that she's a virgin and he backs off saying he doesn't like having sex with a virgin.

Seriously? Being a virgin is now n days looked as some freaking turn off? Why? What is so wrong about it? The girl for crying out loud is trusting you and willing to have you take that from her and it's a turn off? So guys I guess would sometimes rather have someone who knows what their doing?

And You can do other things other than having damn sex! People geeez...

But you make a good point in this blog and I'm gad people are responding to this, because well should it honestly matter or be some crime? No, being a virgin is a damn choice that the dating scene and friends should just shut the hell up and respect that choice that you or their friends have made.

Sorry for this long reply D:

Harlot is a synonym for slut, actually. There is a difference between people who are confident and comfortable with their own sexuality and use that so it won't be at the expense of damaging some-one else's heath, both physically and mentally (STIs and breaking people's hearts by continuously cheating or stealing, etc).

Many words don't have a concrete definition, but still we use it differently for example, "asshole" have a very flexible definition - there is many different things that make a person an asshole and everyone still use the same word even though some people would believe that one thing or another does not make one an asshole as somebody else would believe. And are you saying that I can't use my own definition to shame somebody else but at the same time, you're telling me that I'm not allowed to use my own definition so if you are free to use your own definition, it's flexible enough to encompass everybody elses' definition so any form of slut shaming such as the way the people choose to look also defines them as sluts?

I hope this is not confusing. I like debates.

@ dru is on fire.
Yeah, I understand where you're coming from with that viewpoint.

@ synthian.
I don't see how it's "okay" to decide what a slut is and then label someone as that. there is no concrete definition of slut, only your own, so if you call people sluts by your definition, you are encouraging slut-shaming because you can't tell someone else they aren't allowed to use their own made up definition of a word to shame someone else.

It'd be better just to call those people scumbags or harlots.

@ Maximum Ride;
I completely understand that, I'm just trying to give you the viewpoint of someone else.

@ dru is on fire.
I'm sure you have a point, but the whole sexual compatibility doesn't really...its hard to describe, I'm sorry I'm being vague. Yes, I'm sure its important, but to me personally, it doesn't matter because I don't have sexual desires.

@ synthian.
I think of abstinence as not having sex and being educated with contraceptives and such. I think its irresponsible to just preach abstinence and completely ignore it! Because, yeah, they can get pregnant for being ignorant. Having an education in sexual intercourse is important.

And I agree on the men being all hot shit and the girls being called sluts. Men are just as at fault. They're not cool for the more women they sleep with. Its very disgusting that that's seen as "cool" for a man to be like that. To me, they're not a man at all, simply a horny teenage boy who hasn't grown up yet.

On the Asexual thing, I recently discovered that term and would consider myself possibly asexual, though I wasn't aware of all what it entails. But, yes, to an extent I would consider myself asexual.

@ DamnYouJackSparrow!
In a way that's how I feel. Though right now, I don't see me sexually attracted to anyone at all.

@ The Zac
See I didn't know what to call it, but with the whole "slut shaming" that's what I called it. And you're one of the few that I've heard from males that don't feel more "accomplished" because of it.

@ breezes.
Good for you! That's what I'm saying, if I find the one that I wish to give my life to in marriage, then I may consider giving to them sexually. But if I don't...I don't. I'm not going to give my virginity before marriage for sure.

@ champion;
Its not foolish! You are attracted who you are attracted to. And if you don't want to do it with anyone, than you don't have to.

I'm a virgin by choice, and I've had plenty of opportunities, but I've never really wanted to. The one time I actually wanted to do it with someone, well that didn't really work out. And I don't want to do it with anyone else, and I don't know if that makes me foolish because I still want to do it with him, or just... I dunno. But, it's not gonna happen. If ever.

I'm a virgin. Going to stay that way until I'm married, even if I never get married. Some people think it's crazy, but most people usually tell me it's admirable.

I've got some mates who are virgins and stuff and I don't mind. I know one kinda wants to but the other doesn't care really. I don't think it's a big deal. I've had lots of sex with various people I don't feel like a more accomplished or better person because of it. I enjoy fucking but it's not the absolute most important thing.

I hate it when anything is called "something" shaming. Mostly because it gets used for stupid things like fat shaming. People who aren't really victims trying to use the victim card. I wouldn't call it virgin shaming personally.

I'm not really interested in sex and don't think I will be for a long time. I mean, I may want it eventually when I meet someone that I really care about and we're together for a while, but for now no. It's not happening.

I am a virgin, and I have a strong sense of sexuality. That happens. The only reason I'm still one is I haven't met a person who I like and am comfortable enough to be with and that they actually like me back (I'm not exactly a guy/girl magnet and I'm not desperate to go for just anyone).

It's okay for people to practise abstinence as long they have full sex education - understanding about STI's, precautions, pregnancy and contraception. Believe me, when they only preach abstinence, there will be so many things going wrong for young people because they don't know what to do. I have heard stories such as one that a mother had her child at 17, and she didn't want her daughter to make the same mistake she had made so she preached her total abstinence and tried to distract her from sex... guess what? It failed. She had a kid at 16. She didn't know about contraception and that is the result.

And there is the double standard - men are allowed to screw around alot, and the more he bangs, the more legendary they are (I think it's because men don't exactly have consequences for sex apart from STIs) and for women, the moment they're deflowered, they become sluts. I totally hate that. I think it's great that women can pull off the "dignified slut" thing but that only happens when they get out of high school or any other places that have immature people. There is some lines that people cross that actually make them sluts (such as constantly cheating on their partners with multiple different partners or stealing people from their partners. I actually know people like that and those people are rightfully labelled as "sluts").

And I wonder, Maximum Ride; are you asexual? They have no desire to have sex and that sounds like you. (No judgement at all).

@ Maximum Ride;
It's less about whether or not your partner is "lousy" in bed and more about sexual compatibility. It's hard to found out if you're sexually compatible when you just talk about it, especially if neither party has an understand of what "real" sex is.

That is for couples who are interested in having sex, though, eventually.

@ dru is on fire.
I can understand why some would want premarital sex because of what you suggested. But in my own personal relationship in another, I don't want sex to be that important. I don't care if they're lousy in bed or not because sex wouldn't be that important to me. But to others it is.

@ IrialOfTheDarkCourt.
Thank you! ^.^