Currently digging a hole as we speak... (~_~;) - Comments

Reading your blog I thought to myself how much a like we are. I cut myself for 2 1/2 years when i was in high school. i feel like i live under the shadow of my siblings and that i'm being held to such high standards by my parents because i have yet to screw up worse then them although i consider my cutting myself to be worse than what my two older siblings have done. I've a big girl in both body structure and being overweight. I'm starting to finally come to terms with it though which is good. I also have depression and have had it since I was 17 at least, I'm sure I've had it longer though. I showed signs of the depression spectrum of bipolar disorder since i was diagnosed with depression and now I think I may really have bipolar two disorder or another more mild form of it. i forget the clinical term for it. I was extremely suicidal when i was in high school and i was close to doing it multiple times and came close to attempting it many times. I even had what i would leave behind planned out to a t. i honestly didn't think I would make it to my high school graduation alive. I thought everyone would be better off without me and that no one would care if i was gone and that i wouldn't be a burden anymore. my art helped me through my senior year and i was able to start helping myself get better. It was hard and still is hard to this day. I'm on two separate medications for my mental illness(s) and I hate it sometimes. The withdrawal i get from my one medication if i even skip one dose annoys the fuck out of me but i know how i am like mentally and emotionally when i'm not on them. i still get depressed soemtimes but i'm slowly getting better at dealing with it and dragging myself out of it. I still have scars on my arm and a lot of the time i truly miss seeing all the scars. I still get urges to cut and they always seem to get worse when i'm about to pass another year. I've gone about 5 1/2 years since i last hurt myself intentionally (i still walk into walls and doorways all the damn time). I've gotten better at dealing with things in my life and i've worked hard to get myself better and gotten treatment for my problems. I still have many but we get better at dealing with things as we get older and in that way things do get better. I'm actually now going to school to become an addiction counselor and even possibly work in mental health counseling also. I want to help teengers and young adults who were like me. I want to bring more light to what it's like to live with more than one mental illness and to have an addiction that no one wants to talk about. People are touchy about the subject of self injury and i hate it. I want to help people to understand that it's like any other addiction, it's like being addicted or dependent on drugs, alcohol, medications, or cigarettes. Just because it's not a 'substance' doesn't mean that it isn't an addiction and doesn't mean that it isn't less important as the other ones. We all hurt and go through things in life and i just want others to know that no one is every alone. There is always someone. I'm even taking a crisis intervention class and would love to work at a hotline or something. (i should really look into that)
And...wow i've rambled on...sorry about that. I guess i was just trying to say that i can empathize with you and i know how you feel. I'm not going to tell you to stop cutting or get help or anything like that because that never helped me when i was going through things. it still doesn't help me because then i feel even more fucked up in the head. i am here if you ever want to talk. i just got my laptop back (thank god) so i'll be on my mibba more updating my stories and such. if you ever want feel free to message me or leave me a comment and if you want i can even give you an email address to talk to me on if you would prefer. I'm a great listener (or reader) and i just want you to know.
You are not alone.

No..no..no! No cutting or killing yourself! That's not good hun. I know you're just ranting but try to keep suicidal or self harm thoughts out of your mind. I've battled depression a lot and it was especially hard in my teenage years. I was suicidal a lot back then because I felt so much emotional pain that it was like there was no way to get rid of it. Life does get better as you get older. I'm not saying the depression will disappear. It never truly goes away but you can find ways to treat it or live with it better. If you ever need to talk just shoot me a message. People do care.