Phantom Message // Jealousy in Relationships - Comments

@ Proud Saiyan Warrior
All right. Sounds good. I know things got heated--I usually do get pretty heated during debates--but I generally mean no harm and I'm usually not actually angry even if I sound like I am (though sometimes I get pretty exasperated). So y'know. If I came off as bitchy at any time--and I'm sure I did--I sincerely apologize for it. (I understand being busy too and shouldn't have assumed you'd read the other comments. I always, always do, but I shouldn't assume others do the same or are able to do the same.)

@ AmorarEsDeVivir

I was just interested, sorry if I came off bitchy - I'm crappy at writing what I mean sometimes. I just thought you'd used that example is all. I didnt actually read any of the comments on the other blog apart from ours (been busy as hell - so I didnt realize there were others that thought the same)

I don't get offended, it would be rather silly for one of the most offensive people I know to get offended :P So don't worry about ever doing that, no chance of that happening. My highest level I've ever reached online is 'Majorly Annoyed' Haha.

No harm done of course, and I respect ya views on it. After all, tis all in perspective.

@ Divine Faery
I appreciate it. =)

@ AmorarEsDeVivir
That's OK, just wanted to help out.

@ elixir
Like I've said time and time again, jealousy is not inherently a thing that only appears in toxic relationships. But it does indicate a lack of trust, and it just bothers me that people keep forwarding this message that it's a sign of affection instead. Especially when it comes to a point of treating another person like a thing that you own. That isn't fair.

@ Albluerose
And you acknowledge that you have trust issues. That's fine. Jealousy usually comes from a lack of trust. It's just a matter of how you handle it, whether you're willing to fix it for someone you really care about, and above all, whether it's idealized. My problem, ultimately, is that I keep hearing this message over and over again that if someone treats you like a possession, gets angry when you talk to other people, etc., that it's a sign of affection and you should be grateful. That message scares me.

@ Divine Faery
I got that issue fixed, but thanks anyway! (Probably should have edited the blog once I got it taken care of.)

@ domi823
Yikes. =/ Yeah, that's not fun for anyone to deal with. I have a friend who once got punched in the gut by a guy for talking to the guy's girlfriend (who was also this friend's friend). Like. That's not okay. It's not fair to the SO and it's not fair to the SO's friends to be cut off from someone they care about because of a possessive boyfriend/girlfriend.

@ Proud Saiyan Warrior
Hoo boy. Okay. Well, first off, the reason I didn't say this was about you was that it wasn't. I'm sure you noticed there were other people I was having similar discussions with on the same blog, not to mention people I've talked to over the last several years and people whose experienced I've watched as a bystander. That said, a lot of the stuff you seem to think I think you said is stuff that others have said. What you said reminded me of it in a couple instances. But I assure you that the only part of this blog that was directly based off of my conversation with you was the part in which I directly referenced said conversation. So please don't assume I'm offended by you. I'm saying exactly what I mean--that there are a lot of messages out there concerning relationship dynamics that I find frustrating and concerning and that I wish would stop getting passed off as idealistic, and that jealousy can become toxic if not dealt with in healthy ways and can easily be damaging to a relationship and to an individual. That is all. I feel like you may be taking more offense from my opinion than intended.

@ owltype
Thanks for sharing. I thought about mentioning your story with this particular ex as an example in this blog, but had decided against it because I wasn't sure if you'd be okay with all of that publicized. I know that's a pretty extreme example of what possessiveness can look like, but I remember in the beginning it was the sort of possessiveness that most people find "cute" and it just evolved in really unsettling ways. I know that doesn't happen with everyone, but it's scary to think about (and I'm glad you're with someone a lot less insecure now).

As somebody who has actually dealt with unhealthy jealousy and possessiveness in a relationship, I feel the need to comment.

Jealousy is not romantic. Possessiveness is not romantic. Do you know what those two emotions stem from? Insecurity.

My ex-boyfriend was extremely insecure: about himself, about me, and about our relationship. If I talked to guys, he would get jealous. If I even so much as hung out with friends, male or female, and he wasn't there...he would get jealous. If I didn't respond to his text messages within a minute or, heaven forbid, missed a phone call from him? He immediately would start accusing me of ridiculous things like I was upset with him or that I was out with another man. He tried to tell me what I could and could not wear, and who I could and could not talk to.

Do you want to know the most ridiculous thing? He was jealous of the members in my favorite band. He was jealous of them because he thought I was IN LOVE with them. When I told him I wanted to go to one of their concerts, he accused me of wanting to get with them.

How does any of that sound in the least bit romantic?

You know, you could just say that was directed at me, haha (not that I'm offended, but if you are by my words than whatever).

And actually that's NOT what I said, I said most people would assume that it means you're not interested, as in the people within the relationship - No one outside your relationship has the right to judge anything within it.

I think you took way too much offensive to my opinion.

I don't believe otherwise. There is a clear difference between possessiveness and the nasty kind. You seem to be taking my words far too literally on the matter.

This blog.

I have a friend who gets very jealous. Her boyfriend can't even talk to other girls in a friendship sort of way without her getting involved. There was one time when she wasn't around so her boyfriend asked me to paint a '15 on his face (It was homecoming, lol). She walked outside while I was in the middle of doing it and she got so angry and said I was taking away her boyfriend. Um, no. I was helping him with paint.

Anyway, I agree with what you said. I've never been in a relationship, but I've observed a lot thanks to my friends. The ones with the most jealousy always ended up being the unhealthiest.

Usually deleting all my messages or logging out and logging back in works.

I get jealous. That's just who I am, plus I have been hurt so much that I have horrible trust issues.

In past relationships I have been a very jealous person, the textbook example of what you've been describing as a bad relationship to be in. But, I still completely agree with you. And I think jealousy is something, like you said, that happens when someone isn't completely ready for a serious relationship that is completely trusting. I don't ever get jealous anymore, because like you and your husband, I trust my boyfriend completely. And he trusts me. That is so so so important, so thank you for posting about it, because it's definitely something that needs to be said. A lot of people think that it's okay, and it's really not. Possessiveness/controlling is SO not cool.

@ Maleficent.
BLESS YOU. Phantom message alert gone! Thanks for your help. =)

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