They Cheated--Now What? - Comments

@ nefertiti;
Well I hope you two are happy and good together then!

@ little tea-pot;
I don't mind the long comment! I like hearing other peoples' views. I don't know how I'd handle polygamous marriage--I'm not sure if that's an arrangement I personally would be comfortable with. But I"m all for others' rights to do that as long as all parties involved are consenting.

My religion allows men to marry up to four wives at a time. My view on this differs a lot from most people I know.

For me personally, I think that there's nothing wrong if the man wants to marry more than one woman as long as he knows his responsibilities as a husband and acts fair to all his wives. That being said, I also don't appreciate liars. Even though I think it's okay for a man to have a second (or third or fourth wife), he needs to tell his first wife that he's marrying another woman. I mean, I can't talk for others because I've never been married so I don't know how it'll feel to have your husband marrying another woman. But I think it's a lot better if he comes clean about it rather than he marries someone else behind my back and by the time I find out, he already has kids with the woman, you know? Trust is vital. Sure it isn't easy but that's the foundation of a relationship, any relationships.

I have a friend. A few years ago, his dad married another woman and her mom asked for divorce. He didn't want to because he loved his wife and his kids but her mom was adamant. So they filed divorce and stuff. My friend's grade suffered from it because she was stressing out. Whenever she visited her relatives, everyone was all up their family's business, talking trash about her dad. The thing is, her dad isn't a bad person. He's really a great dad. I've met him a few times and he's cool and it's obvious he loves his family and doesn't wish them any harm. After months, her mom decided to get back together with her dad. She came to us (I'm still not sure how we came to be her marriage counselor but I guess she wanted a fresh perspective and what's best way to get it rather than from three barely adult girls?) to ask for our opinions. She was worried that people would think her weak for taking him back after what he did.

My opinion? She wasn't weak. She's strong enough to forgive him and accept a new woman in her life. And that woman gave her husband a son and the way I see them now, they're stronger than ever.

I'm sorry for the long comment.

YES! Exactly what I meant in like a sentence lol.

Like I said, everything ain't for everybody. Which is why you just gotta do what makes you happy.

Like a lot of people don't approve me dating this guy, but he's my first everything pretty much and he makes me happy. So I'm just gonna go with it.

@ nefertiti;
Yeah, my husband and I don't really talk to people about the fact that we're in an open relationship basically unless the person we're talking to is someone we're interested in, because neither of us wants to deal with the "But you're MARRIED and that means COMMITMENT to ONLY EACH OTHER!" crap. >.> Marriage means different things to different people.

But yeah, I get what you mean. Society places a lot of value on monogamy and so any breach of it--consensual or otherwise--is incredibly damning.

Let me iron that thought out. What I mean about cheating and monogamy is that like when someone goes on and garners the interest of someone else, they should only be interested in that person and that person only according to western society. If someone garners the interest of someone else and then goes on to try to gain someone else while still being with the other person, it breaks the whole concept of monogamy and this norm it has on us. Like when someone is monogamous and is in a relationship, it's like the supposed to act like no one else in the world is attractive or even exist beyond that person you're with. And people think this is the only way to be since it is so normalized in society, that cheating or being with more than one person automatically equates to disrespecting monogamy and doing something we shouldn't be doing. Does that make sense?

Not even talking about you and your husband, I'm actually a regular reader of your blogs so I knew you and him are not monogamous, just stating for the general public.

Like, I recently starting dating someone late winter. They identify as polyamorous and after we seemed to get into a routine of us being together, they went on to sleep with other people. I was so use to the concept of monogamy and thought that was the only true way to be with someone, it was a house-flipping thing that I had to mentally expand and think on if I still wanted to be involved with this person (spoiler alert: I still did/do). And when I started to tell people about it...they all collectively lost their shit. Lol idk how to better say that. They think he's the worse person ever just because he doesn't, at least right now, believe in the standard norm of just being with one person. When he's really far from it. I actually think he's one of the nicest, generous people I've ever met but since he so avidly goes against the standardized concept of monogamy, he gets labeled as someone negative among certain people.

Okay, I'm rambling and feel like I'm making no sense with this lol.

But, basically, yeah. That's a more written out thing of what I meant of cheating and monogamy and I get what you're saying.

@ nefertiti;
That was actually a really interesting video (to me at least), so thanks for linking that!

Cheating isn't even exclusive to monogamy. My husband and I were nonmonogamous (and still are, even after what happened), but what he did was cheating because he kept it from me. He thought he wasn't doing anything wrong at the time, but after it had been going on a while he realized that keeping it from me broke the terms of our open relationship.

I understand WHY people have such visceral reactions to cheating, but like all things, cheating is something a person can't really be defined by. That's why I call them "people who cheat" whenever possible instead of just "cheaters." I don't want to think of my husband as a cheater. He's good to me--he still is, and he always has been--and he fucked up, bad. I just wish people realized that there's usually more to a situation surrounding an affair or even a one-time cheat beyond "He clearly doesn't give a shit about the person he's with and he's just being selfish and fucking around." There is selfishness to it, obviously, but a person can feel love for another person and still act selfishly.

Mostly I get frustrated with how I felt looked down on for staying, and for how many places I wanted to turn for advice but couldn't because all I would hear was that staying was wrong and pointless and I was being naive.

@ swell
The thing is, I didn't "let myself be treated that way." It is a thing that happened, that I had no choice in, that I chose to forgive because I knew the complexities of the person who had done the awful thing. A person who cheats is not a "cheater." They are a person, as well-rounded and complex as someone who has never cheated but has maybe done other things, and I am too aware of the complexity of peoples' moral compasses to be a "break my trust once and I'm done with you" kind of person.

Besides, I figure, how far does that go? What if someone tells me a little lie that is ultimately harmless, but still hurts? They broke my trust. Should I be done with them? Trust isn't quantifiable, and neither are mistakes, so there are no hard lines. If I don't have a way to know exactly what that hard line is, I'd rather err on the side of forgiveness. And that's not letting myself be treated badly--that's recognizing I've been treated badly, knowing I deserve better, re-establishing my boundaries, and then choosing to forgive.

I only reply to your comment with this rant because I spent months hating myself for still loving him or for being unwilling to leave because I felt weak and stupid for it. I felt like I was not living up to my own expectations of myself by not being willing to walk away. I think it's easy to say "If someone ever hurt me that badly I would cut ties with no hesitation," but it's different when it's actually happening and you have the full history with that person--not only the horrible way they hurt you, but the ways in which they've helped you become the person you want to be, the sacrifices they've made for you, the ways in which they've helped you heal from other things. If I let his mistake overpower all that, I think I'd be more disappointed in myself. I'd rather err on the side of naivete than lose something that has been that good for me, and I don't think it's fair to view that as "letting myself" be treated badly--to me, that's not what forgiveness is at all.

Not all cheaters are bad people. Then there are people like this.

As the saying goes; everything just ain't for everybody. It takes strength to leave, but there's also a lot of strength in staying. People feel very strongly about cheaters cause, at least I think so, it directly connects to the concept of monogamy and trust. Which are two complex things within themselves.

I don't think cheaters are inherently bad people. I do think that they make bad choices, though. I respect that you were able to work things out with your husband - you are much more forgiving than I would be (not meant in a rude or condescending way, my apologies if it comes out like that). My reasons for not being with a cheater is that once you break my trust, I'm done with you. I have no issues in cutting you off or cutting off people who I think bring negativity to my life and in that case, bringing me grief and toxicity as well as breaking my trust in a relationship - I don't think I could forgive myself if I let myself be treated in that way if that makes sense? I do believe that some who cheat are truely remorseful for their actions but I find those people are hard to find. Kudos to you and your husband though, I wish nothing but the best for you and your marriage.