You Would Be Missed - Comments

Blake - I've been where you were with your friend. The whole not being able to talk to her because you had to look out for yourself. I did that with one of my childhood best friends because I couldn't keep letting her issues become mine. I wasn't in a good headspace for 99% of my teenage years. Sometimes it seems selfish and you feel guilty for it, but despite everything, you have to look out for you. She'd probably be happy that you're doing well now. That you've got a car, and a job, and are considering what to do next. And it's okay to miss her.

@ Spooky Kim Taehyung
I don't know your life. But I've been exactly where you are mindset wise. For me, it wasn't about my family. I knew they wouldn't move on, but that didn't magically fix my brain. What helped is realizing that the reason I wanted to kill myself was because of something screwed up in my head. Yes - life was bad and nothing really changed, but that doesn't mean you have to die. It's your brain that's telling you to end it, not your life.

The thing about life is that it is intensely pliable. You know that already, because you know it's not the changes that will make things better, but it is possible to change your brain. Whether that's medication or not, it's possible to fight against yourself. It's the hardest thing, but it's possible. It doesn't matter who comes into your life or where you go, your brain will always go with you. I know that doesn't sound helpful, but for me, it was the biggest thing. Nothing in your life is worth dying over, so just know that it's simply a misconnection in your brain that's causing all of this. And that means it can be fixed. You just have to figure out how to do that in a way that works for you.

For me, it was raging against myself. Proving to myself that I was more than that. I won't go into how desperate and helpless I was for a long time, but it's not so bad anymore. There are still times where it gets to me, but I don't fall so low that I want to kill myself anymore. You will get there too. You just have to keep living until you don't think about dying anymore.

(this was entirely based on my experience, so please don't let anything I said get you down. There's no easy, one-size-fits-all fix for people who feel like this, but there are solutions).

Thank you for writing this.

For me, it's not feeling like I wouldn't be missed. I know I would, even by those internet friends I've never met irl. I know they'd miss me, even if my death didn't completely shatter their hearts, they would be sad and miss me.

For me, it's thinking that life will never get better. That I'm stuck like this. And it doesn't matter if I travel, if I have a boyfriend, if my job isn't too bad... at times when my life wasn't too bad, I still thought of killing myself every waking hour and I still do. Telling me that I'd be missed or that my mother and brother would cry a lot doesn't make me any less suicidal. These thoughts follow me around everywhere I go, no matter what I'm doing. I can turn them down for a couple of hours sometimes, but they don't leave. I can have a super fun day doing something that makes me happy, laughing with friends, eating my favourite foods... but at the end of the day, the little bug is still there, it never fucking leaves.

Of course, times like right now are the worst, I actively think about suicide more often and even write notes (I'm not entirely sure why I haven't done it yet...) but it doesn't matter. That feeling just won't go away and it's the only thing I can feel anymore...