Relationships and Love

I’ve never understood love. I don’t get how it works. One moment, you think they’re just a friend, the next; you can’t stop thinking about them. I don’t understand it. What makes that sudden change?

I don’t think I can say I’ve ever truly been in love. I’ve never been with someone I’d give up everything – even my life – for. And that’s what love is, isn’t it?
There have been times where at the time; I would have said I was in love. But looking back, I know I wasn’t. It has to go so much deeper than just an attraction for you to be in love. I love a lot of people, but I’m not in love with any of them. It’s one of those things where you just know. I look at some of my friends who are couples, and you can see the love. When everyone else can see it, it’s definitely there.
I believe that if I get married, it will be to a guy. I do honestly believe that. It’s because, deep down, I want to be protected a bit, not always be the protector. And a lot of girls believe that even in a homosexual relationship, it works the same way, there’s a dominant one of the pair, and they are like the male of the relationship. It doesn’t work like that. There has to be a certain amount of give and take. I’ve been in very few relationships where the girl understands that.

I would say I’ve only ever had two successful relationships. And, ironically, one was with a guy, one was with a girl.

I’ll start with the guy.

His name was Simon, and he was almost six years older than me. I’ve always had a thing about older guys. He was so sweet and charming and loving. We never told each other we loved each other, because we knew it wasn’t true. He was something I had seriously needed at the time. We weren’t together for the longest time, but yet, it repaired my trust in the human race. I was fourteen when we got together, I was still fourteen when we split up, but it was a good thing. The relationship had met its end point, and we still spoke for a while after that. Sometimes I wonder what’s become of him, but I know he’ll be doing well.
The girl was perfection. Her name was Ami. She was the most gorgeous girl I had ever laid my eyes on. She was so amazing. Everything was upbeat and positive with her. Yet again, I had come out of a situation where I needed Ami. I needed her more than anyone. And she was there for me. At first she was only there for me as a friend, but slowly, our worlds began to revolve around each other. She wrote me this beautiful letter once. It wasn’t very long, but it meant the world to me. I still remember it.

~To my baby,
I am so glad I found you. I’m happy that you allowed me to pick up those pieces of your heart and hold them as my own. If you told me you wanted it to end tomorrow, I would be glad that you still gave me today.
I only ask you one thing. Promise me you’ll allow me one last kiss when it’s over.
My world is yours, for now, but I know it won’t be forever.
Living for today.
Yours,
Ami
x~

It was the most moving thing I had ever read at the time. We’re still friends now. In all honesty to her, I found someone else. If I could go back now and choose between Ami and him again, I would pick her. But I suppose that’s the way it had to end. I only get to talk to her via e-mail now, but it’s still important to me. If I have e-mail from her, I always read it and reply instantly. I never want her to be out of my life. If a time comes where we can no longer contact each other, I want it to be just as bittersweet as the end of our relationship. Even though I had found someone else then, I still cried at the loss of my girl. She got the relationship. She knew I couldn’t always be the tough one. I think she was the closest I’ve ever been to being in love.

After Ami, I’ve had two other relationships. One was shit to begin with, the other one ended badly. It wasn’t too long ago it ended badly either.

I think my heart doesn’t need to heal because it never got hurt. I seemed to have moved on comfortably. I’m happy with where I am now. Still slightly too trusting maybe, but confident in my choices. I’m learning to not have regrets, but experiences. They may not be great experiences, but life is like that. And along the way, you get have fantastic experiences that you’ll remember forever. It’s all about finding the balance.