I Realized Something.

today i realized something serious.
well, a few things serious.

how insecure i am.
how emotionally unstable i am.
how i put up this "sarcastic bitch" image to cover up how insecure i am.

its affected me a lot.
me and my friend hope both share the same things.
we're incredibly unhappy with our lives.

this is what i told hope today:

i get jealous just because i cant be myself.

why?

people will think that i'm a psychopathic person who wallows in self pity all day. which is really pretty much what i am and what i do.

i'm just not good enough.

whatever someone else does, they can do it better and their friends know it. like v -- i picked up piano even though she's been playing for years, and now whenever i play piano around her friends, they give off this vibe like "why the hell did u steal v's thing?"

like its HER thing to play piano.

or like when i tried playing volleyball, the ball hit me in the head (ha.) and my friends started laughing, and i was ready to cry because i was so fucking embarrassed.

i tried not to play the rest of the game.

or like, even when i put makeup on its like "um what did u do alexa?"

that's only a fraction of the conversation.
i explained what made me so insecure about my looks.

and guess what?

part of the reason is my mom.

teasing about how fat i was as a baby.

of course i'm not fat now, but it still makes me insecure.

you know how i feel.