Alone

Date; 23 September, 2008
Time; 7:42 pm.
Noise; The Killer Anna by The Medic Droid

I don't know how to explain this- it's so weird because I've never felt this way before.
I know, to my friends at least, that all I talk about is Salt Lake this and Salt Lake that, but it's the only thing I know. I probably sound really annoying to them most of the time, but they never say anything about it, so when they do I'll taper it back a bit. But anyway, in Salt Lake everybody respected me. Everybody wanted to be my friend and people went out of their way to have a conversation with me, but since we've moved up here, and it's not even in Bellevue, or last year at Chinook, it's really only this year at Ballard.
No one respects me or awknowledges my existance. They don't care about my opinon and look at me as though I'm unwelcome when I say something that they don't like or agree with.
I don't know how to explain it without sounding petty.
On Friday, when I realized this, I had a break down. I listened to Come One, Come All by All Time Low and had my knees up to my chest, sitting on my bed, and just started bawling. My mom and step dad were gone, thank god, or else that would have been the biggest pain in the ass to explain.
I was about to start crying while they were still there, but I held it in for about five minutes while they were getting ready to leave, and the minute I heard that car leave I couldn't help but let it flow out.
I am utterly alone here. No one cares about me, or loves me, like my friends did in Salt Lake. Kim, and Xavier, and Austin would never let me feel this way, partly because they know some of the things I've gone through in the past because they were there and they think I'm to fragile and don't want anything to happen to me, but, Kim especially, understands and I've been thinking about running.
Just picking up and moving down to my grandma's and living there without telling Rachael, or Angelica, or Trevor and just leaving.
They wouldn't care.
Hell, they probably wouldn't even notice until I'd been gone a month, and even then it might just be this, 'do you remember that girl who used to hang out with us?' A would ask, 'what one?' r, 'oh, you know, the really obnoxious short girl?' A. 'oh, I remember her. what was her name again?' t, 'I don't remember, but it started with a d, didn't it?' a. 'yeah, she was always trying to be funny with us,' t.
That is exactly how their conversation would go.
I just feel so alone all the time, and I can't talk to my mom about it because she'll say something along the lines of 'well, what is it that's making you feel alone?' and I don't know! I don't know why I feel alone or anything.
I can't talk to Rachael or Angelica or Trevor about it because they won't understand because none of them, that I know of, has or has had this problem.
And I sure as hell can't talk to my grandmother because she'll say 'oh, don't worry. It'll get better,' no it fucking won't!
I can't talk to Kim about it because she'll want me to move in with my grandma back down to salt lake, but I can't do that either because, unfortunately, my grandmother has rules. 1.) I have to go to church with them every Sunday. 2.) Modest clothing. 3.) No piercings. 4.) No lesbians. 5.) Don't be myself.
That's it. So I told her no and she just laughed it off.
I'm so profoundly sad, and the sad thing is, is that none of my Ballard friends know. Not one of them. They don't even have an inkling of an idea, I don't know if it's just that I'm a really good actress or that they just don't even notice. It could be either, to be perfectly honest.

Anyway, I didn't even come close to being able to discribe to you how I'm feeling and I don't expect you to care because why should you? You don't even know me. All you know is that I'm some random person named Delia who moved from Salt Lake to Seattle and, if you've talked to me, you probably know a little more. :)