Why I hate myself so much.
And sometimes neither do I.
The hate I have for myself goes so deep within, everything about me.
But for some reason I have this unbreakable sense of pride, but to have pride don't you have to be proud of yourself?
Which I'm not, so it doesn't make any sense.
I've never been able to accept help from anyone, I guess that's why I can't tell people my problem's.. Because the likely chance is that they will want to help. Which I don't want.
Why I can't accept help? Why? The answer to that is beyond me. I was never really allowed to ask for help as a kid, one time I asked my dad to help me with my four times tables and he just yelled at me.. Babbling on about who knows what. Or maybe it's because I just don't want to seem.. Incompetent.. A .. Moron. I don't know. But I just don't like feeling useless.. Maybe that's why.
People think pride is stupid, but in some cases it's all I have.
I can't just let go of that one thing I have.
Like that wall I put up, basically everyone has some kind of wall they use to shield people out. It's like a support system, the one thing I seem to be able to rely on.
I can't rely on people, all they do is lie.
Sometimes I get asked why I can't trust people.. The truth of the matter is, that when ever I begin to trust someone they completely defy my trust. It hurts like all fuck. I guess in someways all those time's I've been lied to, all the time people have broken promises, over and over.. Have completely ruined my faith in humanity.
Now back to the point at hand here.
Why I hate myself... Some reasons I can think of:
I hate being gay, yes I hate being gay. I mean I really shouldn't I am proud. But for some reason I just hate it so much. Society hates gays, I was raised to hate gays... I was raised to hate myself.
Secondly.. I hate my sense of pride. I'm too full of myself.. It's really just a way to block the things people say about me.. If I love myself enough then when people insult me, hopefully it wont effect me so much.. And most of the time it works.
Another reasons is the fact no matter what I do I can't get people to like me... I try so hard to get people to like me.. And all I do is make them hate me more. So I guess it is time to stop trying. I don't need friends. I don't need... her.
That's all the reason I can think of.
But you know I don't really need a reason, because most of the time people just hate people without a reason.
And I guess that's my excuse.
Your's truly,
Drackie.
Some people don't seem to quite understand..
September 26th, 2008 at 04:12pm