She's chosen

Well yesterday I confronted (well kind of) my mum. Was meant to be going to Edinburgh on Fri to do some shoppin with mum and dad but the phone call yesterday ended with mum saying "you're going to have to make up your mind if you want me to come to Edinburgh or not" to which I just replied "No it's up to whether you decide to drink or not".

My dad popped in today and told me that mum has decided not to come on Fri. I told him about her not being able to remember that I had been getting washing loads done on a monday and tuesday for the last 2 months and saying that anytime she had been in there was no washing to which I said "That's coz you've hardly been here coz you've been pissed out your mind." I then told him bout the end of the call and he understood coz he told her he doesn't want to see her while she is like this.

Now I feel like total crap coz she has chosen a bottle over me and dad. I know all too well it's an illness as I said in yesterday's blog but there's only so much I can take and this makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap that she can manage 5 and a half years sober then just throw it all away and not care bout anything else.

I don't know if being 12 and living in it and having to watch my mum do this to herself is worse than now, being 25 and not seeing what she's doing and having visions of her burning her flat down when she's pissed and has a ciggy. I mean is she even safe to live on her own, not just for herself but the safety of her neighbours??