in my mind

this is just me getting all my thoughts out. i got bored one day and saw something the really made me mad and got me thinking. if you dont like it then too bad, just stop reading it.

have you ever looked in the mirror and not known the person that was staring back at you?
have you ever looked in the mirror and not been able to find the person you where three years ago?

as i looked in the mirror i couldn't find myself in the person that i was staring at, the person that was staring back at me looked nothing like ther person i was a short three years ago. what happened? what changed? how could i've let this happen? i remember how it was before everything fell apart. it was so peaceful, so sweet and innocent. now nothing is the same. and everthing is ruined and i have no clue on how to get it all back. i want it back, i want it back so badly....but i know that i can't get it back and theres no way to go back. if only there was some way to go back to the way it use to be. oh how much i miss it. its just empty, nothing feels right. im never happy and it hurts. if only i hadnt choosen the path that i walked down, if only i walked away, said no, done anything. maybe, just maybe it would be different. maybe then my heart wouldnt hurt. maybe i wouldnt have been left out so much. then again, the word maybe is just like the word if. its just false hope, and theres no use on thinking about the ifs and maybes cause its over, in the past and i cant get it back. even though i wish i could get it back. oh how i wish i could. as i look in the mirror i turely have no clue who im looking at. i dont know that person. she doesnt look a thing like i use to, in good ways and bad. it scares me. and it scares me to think about the future, and whats going to happen. i know im going to high school an then college, and it scares me. i know im going to have to tough it, im good at that, i know how to do it. but....what happens when i just wanna cry, i just want my mom, i just wanna go home? then what? and what i want to do more than anything, is be famous. i know, doesnt everyone? but i really want that to be the thing i do, i love it so much. but it scares me to think about my life and if i do get my break, i look at this girl standing there, and i know she can do it.... im just not too sure if I can. it scares me to think: go to high school, graduate, go far away to college, graduate....but then what? im 13, im about to start high school and i have no clue what i want as my carrer. well i do, i want to act, or model, maybe even sing...but in high school, they will crush that dream. they will take it, ripe it up, spit on it, and stomp on it. im always underestimating myself. always thinking, its not going to happen, im not good enough, save it for the pretty girls. i wish i could get to know the girl in the mirror, but it wont be long before shes gone. after all she is fake, just a reflection, glass. no heart, pulse, blood, feelings, vocie. she just copies whatever i do. whether its good or bad. shes just a copy-cat. just loking at her, made me angry, angry at what i did to my life, what i should have done but didnt, things that i saw, hear and didnt do anything about it. but im jelouse of her, she cant feel anyhting. i want that, i want to not be able to feel pain, hurt. why cant i have it? because this is life. this is real, and theres no refunds, do-overs, or take-backs. dont you just love it? i didnt think so. cause i sure as hell dont. i beleve in god, but i dont. i want to but i cant let myself. if he is so powerful and almightly, then why does he let little kids starve and die and get abused every single day? who could anyone let that happen? no one wants it to happen but to have the power to stop it, but not do anything bout? im sorry but i cant believe in a god that would do that. and why does he let innocet little children get cancer? what sin did they commit that was so bad that their punishment be an uncureable disease? i would love an anwser for that. and why is it that in the bible, it always says he shall,he will, he does, he, he, he. what? where there no females back then? heaven sounds too good to be true, they say that you wont be sad and you wont miss any of your friends and everyones gonna be up there, well...all the non-sinners. so, heavens full of non-sinners? sounds like a geek convetion. god said that sex is sin. that being said, your not gonna see mommy and daddy in heaven. that takes away 1/3 of people, not counting the perople that had sex but arent married. lying is a sin, aww, looks like that takes away 1/2 of the remaining people. oh, who am i kidding? heavens empty! everyone lies. annie did you take a cookie from the cookie jar? no mommy.*crums on little girls face and shes hidding a half eaten cookie behind her back* oh, looks like little annie is going to hell for lieing to mommy. oh, but wait! they say if you confess your sins to god then you'll be forgiven and then you go to heaven. well, in that case. heavens full! basically "he".is saying: oh, its ok if you sin. do whatever the fuck you want just as long as you confess to me. even though hes the "all seeing, all knowing all mightly god" why would you confess if he already knows what you did. he already knows your dirty little secret its ok. right now i feel like punching the girl in the mirror, just punching it so she goes away and stops staring at me she is really creeping me out. but the thing that i really hate is this church that goes around bashing gays and bashing the men and women that died for this country. you can acctually be born gay. if a girl is born with an extra cromizon then, hey shes a lezbo. i a guy is born missing one cromizon then, uh-oh mommy, lock up your make-up, hes gonna be wanting to play with it. yeah, thats all for tonight.
date: july 11, 2008
time: 4:33 am
[i started writing yesterday at about ten]