Bad Past?

I've been thinking recently. My past is pretty bad. I mean, it will probably sound like complaining, but I want people to know this stuff about me. I don't talk about it much but it really bugs me that I don't. So here's what's happened to me.

I don't remember much from before I was six. But I was six when I moved out of a town that I really liked.

I moved to a place only a few minutes from the other, but it was a huge jump. I was crying the whole move. On my first day of school I couldn't remember any names. I was made fun of a lot, by people I didn't know. For reasons I didn't know. I've never made friends easily. I do now, but it's still hard on me.

The teasing started out as just about two or three kids, then grew to get the whole school hating me. I have a couple suspicions of people who were ok with me sometimes. But I didn't really have any true friends. I was always either ignored or made fun of. It just got worse and worse. every year, because the kids in my school got smarter each year, so they found new things to tease me about. the first year I was there it was something like ' you look funny' or 'your not smart' 'your stupid' and basic ignorng. Thats when I started getting nightmares. The second - seventh years were just really bad.

The teachers never listened to me that I was being teased. and I never told my mom how bad it was. about the third year was when I started feeling suicidal. I just felt like noone wanted to see me. And that is what they told me. They told me stuff like 'go away' 'noone wants you' 'your pointless' 'go die' ' why are you still here? cant you die? or at least go away'
Those last two hurt the most.

In grade 5 - 6(same classroom and teacher) My teacher yelled at me a lot because I didn't do my homework. Sounds normal right? well its the things she yelled at me. I NEVER did my homework, I just didnt do it because I was always trying to take my mind off the things people said to me. the teacher always told me things like

'get out of my classroom. Dont look at me, dont talk to me, I dont want to hear you, dont want to talk to you, I dont want to look at you." and Id always leave the classroom and sit in the hallways crying. Then kids would come out and make fun of me at the end of class.

I always felt like I never did anything good enough. I felt like Nobody did want me. Then I would get in trouble for not doing my homework. but in truth I didnt do it BECAUSE i got in trouble.

I wanted people to notice me, besides teasing. but the main reason was because I didnt think I should be alive. I wanted to be punished for it. I wanted someone to be so mad that I could convince myself to kill myself.

about grade five I started thinking about dying more. Severaltimes I had a knife at my stomach because I felt so bad. I never did anything to myself, but I always wanted to, I was just too scared to do anything. Which made me feel even worse because I was so pathetic.

I sat alone everyday. just trying to be left alone for once. The teasing got more and more aggressive every month. So I didnt even have anyway to get away from it. The teachers didnt do anything. or the principal. Noone tried anything at all to help me.

In my last year there. A new girl came to my school. I figured everyone was the same way that the people here were. We met because she wanted to see what I had been drawing. She asked a couple times, but I just shoved her away. I tried to ignore her, but she sounded like she meant what she said about liking my drawings, so I let her see them.

We were almost instant friends. because she took the time to know me. She never really teased me. She stopped the people from picking on me. But the teasing just got worse every day.

I found out over this summer that it was because her mother rented the basement of another teacher to live in before they got their own house. I'd go see her everday, because she was the only one who ever did anything. I didnt know anyone else who could ever think to be nice to me. I found out only this year that the teacher they were renting from saw us together and thought we were lesbians. a grade 7 and a grade 8. Then she told the whole school.

my best friend though. She made me stop being suicidal. She probably didnt know it, but she taught me that maybe I wasnt a failure. She showed me how to keep going, no matter how badly I hated myself, and that it was okay to keep living.

I guess everything that happened was worse to me. Because I have always had a bad memory. but either way, I still know Dave was not and is not my real dad. I asked my mom who was, but she refused to tell me. She still wont, even though im older than I was.

I dont know my real dad. I know bits and pieces of him. but I dont know much.

I know that he and my mom met because she frequently reported him for drunk driving.

I know that I look like him.

I know he was an alcoholic, and thats why my mom left him. but he has been sober for 8 years now.

I know that he meant to give a teddy bear to another girl, when my mom was pregnant with me. but she didnt want it, so he gave it to my mom to give to me. Now I have a constant reminder of my real dad in my room.

I dont know anything else. Im not sure if I want to.

Everytime I look at that bear I want to shred it to pieces, stab it and burn it. then throw the ashes out of the window. But I keep thinking 'i have to know' and that bear might be the only connection I have to him.

my mom never wants to hear me call dave my 'step-dad' but i just cant pretend hes my real dad. because hes not and he never will be.

My siblings are too young to understand, and they probably will never know. I feel like the only one in this house Im related to at all is my mom. I cant even keep up this 'real sibling' act with my brother and sister.

I moved again. I moved away from that place, to a place far away from it. Im happy.

The day I came to my new school I got really scaed. and I only talked to 1 girl. Turns out shes hated me from the beginning.

I made a lot of friends that year. but even now, almost three years after that. Im almost 15 now and Im in grade ten. But Im still scared.

The year I came here I was in grade 8. I lost my grandmother(step dads side), my great uncle(step dads side), and my great grandma on my moms side. within three months of eachother. My grandma died in october my great uncle november(found out a couple days after my birthday) and my great grandma in december.

Now in highschool I have to deal with the girl in my first year(in grade 8) hating me. I dont know why she does. But i have to deal with it as well as a whole hell chaos of boys liking me which sucks.

Do you think I stick on the past for no reason? or is it possible for me to let go of it for once?

I have trust issues, but i think thats normal. I just wish I could be a normal kid sometimes. I mean, i never really had a childhood much It was all just bullies and suicide thoughts. i think I grew up too fast.