Are You Curious Enough To Read?

I think this might be another journal entry where I end up talking to myself but hey, whatever...

I hate seeing him in soooo much pain, and I hate that I can't do nothing about it. It's almost like it's me causing the pain, and I know I'm making it worse, by telling him what to do, just a little. But the thing is, I only do it cause I love him and I care sooo much.

I just wish that I had the guts to wrap him in a hug for as long as he wanted, but I don't. I'm too chicken. I don't know if it's cause I have to listen to him talk about all these other girls, or whether it's because I've never been in this situation before, but it's really frustrating. My mind keeps screaming at me to do it, but my body won't do as it's being told.

Does anyone else have that problem, where no matter how much you tell yourself to do it, your body won't respond.

I hate that people can drive him into that sorta depression like I had to witness this afternoon. I hate that I had to be the person to walk up to him and take the knife off him, because no one else cared enough to keep an eye on him like I asked.

But I love the fact that he came to the one room he knew I'd be in, and instead of just walking past the door and going round the back of the building, he walked through the room and out the other door, almost begging me to come help.

I hate that I was in the middle of counting and I couldn't stop right away to follow him. I hate that he thought I was right behind him and even though it was only 3 seconds, I hate myself for not dropping what I was doing to stop him while he was standing and wrapping him in a hug.

I hate that I cared about what one person thought, and I hate that I cared about what people thought when they saw us leave the room together.

But I do LOVE him with ALL my heart, and I swear I'd give up anything and everything just to make him happy again, to see his beautiful smile spread across his angelic face in a pain free way.

I just wish I'd had the guts to do for him what he did for me...ya know?