My Mind Filled With Silent Loathing

This is, in fact, something I should tell to someone, but I can't bring myself to say it to his face. I truly don't want to hurt him again, but I really don't have a choice...So, since I can't tell him, I'm asking you (whoever you are that chose to read this) to stand in his stead and just listen [read].

It was a bad idea...I should have just walked home, but I wanted to talk to you so much, not about all of this, but as a friend. I should have seen the conversation (and the kiss) coming, but unfortunately, I didn't. The entire time we were together today sent every bone, every muscle, every nerve into agonizing pain. My heart froze over and the reason i couldn't explain what was wrong was because you were what was wrong. I just couldn't tell you that...I didn't want to see you cry...but the truth is, every time you tried to kiss me then, I didn't want you to, not because I "just couldn't", but because I truly didn't WANT to. And when I finally kissed you back, I felt nothing. My heart turned to ice and my body to stone. My eyes remained open and I wanted nothing more than to push you away and run, run to a place where I would never have to see you again. I pulled away to stop the pain and I walked home crying. I don't want this, I don't want you and I don't want to have to face you again. But I also cannot bear to hurt you a second time, so I'll remain quiet, my mind filled with silent loathing.

I did end up telling him a lot of this (though I left out that fact that I don't really have the urge to ever speak to him again; I couldn't live with the guilt of it anyway) and I cried a lot because I felt bad for hurting him, but it made me feel better in the long run and made me stronger, so I'm glad I did it. The truth really can set you free...