The Ghost of You in Me

A Letter To Him:

I miss my best friend. He was a great guy.

I understand life; you put your priorities in order. I'm not one of them now. I guess I can learn to accept that. Of course it isn't easy. Why do you think I stay away from you? It hurts too much. I knew I'd lose you eventually, I just wasn't prepared for the split to be so soon.

Can I speak freely for a minute? I wish you'd just move on. It's nice that you still try to make small talk, I guess, but what's coming from it? I know you can feel the difference. It's not hard to see. And the look in your eyes is a dead give away. Is it really that hard to guess why I refuse to look at your face? Why I refuse to let you see the pain so clearly shown on mine?

I'm not even really sure what the turning point was, but it's evident; the change is there. There are so many things I wish I could talk to you about, but that cold indifference stops me short.

Be honest; does the absolute trust we had still exist even in part? I walk away from you stiffling tears, and I wonder what my motive is. Why would I tell you how I feel? Why would I tell you why I'm upset? Or what's on my mind? Why should I trust you with anything now that I know how disposable I am to you? Nobody wants to hear that, and you may as well have screamed it at me.

Maybe it's better this way. I can't imagine that that's true, but I cling to that shred of hope. It's all I have. I sit alone and wonder why things have happened the way they have. I remember how we used to be, and it hurts; inside and out. And in those moments there's nothing I wouldn't do, and nothing I wouldn't give to breathe in your scent and feel your arms around me one more time.

Just once more to keep me going. Once more to let me know everything's going to be okay. One last squeeze to prove that I'm not invisible, and I do matter.

It's weird how you can go from being strangers to being friends to being more than friends to being practically strangers again...and it all happens so fast.

I bury those things. What difference does it make? There are bigger things happening, more important things in a world that's not just me. I think I know that if I run back now it'll never end. The cycle will continue moving in it's heartless, uncaring dance. I don't want it to be like this anymore. I don't know how much longer I can take it before I fall apart again.

I'm so sorry if this hurts you, but it's time. You know it is. I've held on to you for as long as I can. It's just to hard now. Please know that I will always remember you as being there for me. I'll always remember you as the guy I could turn to for help, the one who always let me cry on his shoulder, and comforted me when I wanted nothing more than to break down and disappear. I'll miss you more than you can ever understand. It's not often you meet someone who will leave a lasting mark on your heart, but you have. And that will always echo through me. Forever.