me again..

you know what i realized?
once someone is dead, or has taken the poison, there is no reversing it. im glad i din't when i thought about it a few years ago, because, once you take the poison, you spend those next few minutes either smiling and laying down, or frantic and terrified, wanting to erase an unfixable mistake. this was something i guess was hard to see through evil thoughts, but its true.

not to mention all the other people you would kill along with yourself. your family, the ones who love you, though you can't see it at the time, and if you can sacrifice all of them for it then your pain must be great... i always thought about who would be sad if i died, and who wouldn't give a fuck. its kind of funny, because it turns out some of the people i cared about wouldn't have cared all that much... but i do have some true people who stick with me, and who i'd have to kill in order to kill myself. i can't do that anymore. its a big revalation when you realize something as monumental as this.

so i have problems ( i can hear one right now, im not too happy bout my family screaming at 10 30 at night, when i want some quiet time) but i learned to get over them and look at the happy things... my friends, band, music, and some aspects of my home life. hey, at least i get fed every day. and it could be worse. i could wake up with bruises every day, or not wake up at all. i could have missed out on marching band, and the first few people who intrest me. and anyhow, i have enough to keep me satisfied. for now.

you know what else meant a lot to me? my friend of three years called me her best friend. do you know how happy making that is? i guess you can put it to an i love you, just not in a gay way. of all this time i spent with this friend, she'd always talk about other people being her favorites, and junk like that, and it bothered me more than i let on (im pretty stoic at times). but she'd never said i was her favorite. and granted, we'd spent a really good week together. but still, it meant lot.

and screw the rule that says i can only have one best friend, cause guess what??!! i love all of them!!! so get over it, mental logic!!!

god, i gotta call sarah and see how she's doin down in panama...

and i'm sorry i couldnt call you back last night, amy. my parents told me they shoot me if i tried, so i let that intention go... in hopes of that sleepover my mom is considering next friday....
i have to turn in some project tommorrow, not doing it. i honestly dont care, which i know is a real problem.... i'll finish it this weekend. and i have an a in that class anyways.

goodnight sweethearts :)