sad

so I'm at work and found out I have to work a full shit on X-mas eve. 4pm-230am. ya its major BS. but I'm beyond bummed cause I'm missing a very dear friend of mine. I haveent seen hime since graduation a few years ago. and he died last year. he was military police. he was the kewliest. always made me laugh no matter how sad I was. but I'm beyond bummed and heartbroken cause I haven't gona to pay my respects 4 him at the cemetary. is that bad? am I being shelfish. its too hard to even look at his myspace page. every time I try to go c him I freak out and start crying. what should I do?