This Past Week

There is a time in my life where I feel like I'm going absolutlely no where. You'll have to excuse my grammer. My keyboard sticks more than the keys of a trumpet without being greased up. At the time, I feel trapped and feeled with anxiety. Nothing to important nothing to speacil, I just feel blehh.

My days seem to be going to fast and my nights are just slipping from under me. The girl that I once knew in the summer keeps changing. Changes are always good though, right? There never for the worse. I mean I'm not stripping and I'm not drinking, or smoking or doing anything bad. I've said no to it all, peer pressure has gone past me. I'm wondering now though, am I the image I want to be viewed as.

I mean, I don't want to be viewed as a perfect little girl who never makes mistakes and who is the smart one. I don't think I am but still, I want to make it none. I have flaws and I have problems that are so much bigger than what I want them to be.

I also don't want to be portrayed as the girl who has a bad reputation either. The one who drinks, does drugs, is easy, etc. I would die if I were like that. But when is enough, enough? And when is being conservative the right idea.

It's not just my physical image that is troubling me. It's on the inside too. I feel as if I only have a certain amount of friends that have friends that leave me for their friends. Make sense? Yeah, I feel trapped and it's hard because I feel as if I'm not going to get out of the hole that I've sadly dug myself into.

My studies are also hard. No, my parents are shoving this idealistic child figure down my throat but it's upsetting. Sara, my cousin, yes she is the smart one. Her brother, Luke, is the athletic one. My mother has three sisters. Two have children and the other lives at home with their mother. So, I mean you can only imagine what they talk about alone when the children arn't around. Who's suceeding and who's failing. Who's going to be the brainiac and who's going to be the screw up.

I'm trying to put it all on God but I just feel, ahh. Like, I believe in him and no matter what I do I know that he'll be there for me. I've had little miracles happen to me before. One day in this previous week I had an eyelash in my eye that was clumped up by mascara. If your a girl, you know it hurts really bad and is sort of impossible to get out. Well, I kept my eyes shut and prayed really hard and put all my faith up in Him, and it vanished. I find that so fascinating. He's the creator and he is helping and watching and looking over me. It's not Rocket Science.

Well yes, I have written out all my problems and I'm finding now that I can breathe a little bit better just by expressing myself to a certain extent. You should try it sometime, maybe not. I don't know, do what you want too.

: D

I just screamed my heart out. Wow, besides making my voice hoarse it felt good. Movies that cram pointless crap into minds sometimes it works out for the better.