So my friend was telling me about this website where people in NYC, who overhear random bits of conversations, post them to this website (http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/).
It's hilarious! New Yorkers/New Jerseyians say the weirdest shit. (I can say this because I'm from Jersey)
Check it out! and here are some funny ones I've found thus far and LOVED:
Guy: I finally found someone who's as crazy about me as I am!--1st Ave & 2nd St
Attractive tween to friends: And then Lindsay's aunt came into the bathroom to comfort us and said, "pretty people always get blamed for things ugly people do." --W 65th St. & Columbus Ave
Girl: She was weird. She had, like, a Midwestern accent or something. I think she was from Maine. --Brooklyn Tech
Tattooed 20-something girl: He's such a weirdo; I had to ask six times for his urine. --J Train
Chick on cell: He's had his dick in me, but I worry it would be out of line to Facebook friend him. Modern life is so weird. --Columbia University
Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75. --Orchard & Rivington
Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing...yes the fuckin thing for the thing...yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.--31st St & 7th Ave
30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly? --D Train
NYU professor: So we're going to be walking, and you'll notice I walk pretty fast. But we're in New York, and you're supposed to walk like you know exactly where you're going in life and nothing is in your way. Because if you slow down you'll get mugged. (beat) It's dog eat dog, people.
NYU Russian literature professor: Oh my god, you just totally missed the point of Jesus!
Environmental history professor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a hotel of Chicago Thanksgiving dinner from 1872: loin of buffalo, antelope steak in mushroom sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of mountain sheep, buffalo tongue... Miss Palin, your table is ready.
Professor: My favorite words to hear are "just do nothing." My second favorites are "open bar."--College of Mount Saint Vincent, Bronx
Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide!
Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn...c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right--that was me! She was giving us both head.--BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea
Hobo, walking quickly around a lady: You cannot fuck with a power walker! --60th & 6th
Hobo on corner: Yo man, can I borrow like a hundred dollars plus tax? --Outside Gray's Papaya
Panhandling teenager: I'm like Obama. I want change! --Union Square
Hobo to self: I don't have anything against people with homes. Why, some of my very best friends have homes! --E 35th & 6th Ave
Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So...I'm going to go horseback riding! --Broadway & 34th St, Astoria
Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy. --37th St, Astoria
Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm...craaaazy! --Times Square Subway Station
Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.--Madison Square Park
30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.--Broadway & 114th St
Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train! --Target, Atlantic Ave
Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!—SoHo
Husband to wife: Maybe we should go tanning today.
Wife: Why? Are we going somewhere?
Husband: No, it's just for you. You look fishy.
Cowboy wearing a Florida Rebel flag belt buckle: You should go back to your own country, or learn to speak English!
Girl leaving train: Have fun in the Bronx, cowboy!
Guy #1: Left-handed people should all be incinerated.
Guy #2: Did you know that Gerald Ford would write left-handed when he was sitting at a desk, but...
Guy #1: That's why he died.
Male barista: Do you have any Tylenol?
Male cashier: No, sorry dude. I left my purse at home.
Male barista: Oh, so you probably left your Motrin in there too...you know, for your cramps.
Male cashier: No, dude, not Motrin. That's Midol.
Female employee: Hey! Don't spray me with fucking Windex!
Male employee: Oh, calm down.
Female employee: No! That's a death threat where I come from.
Male employee: Where do you come from?
Female employee: ...Jersey.
Construction worker taking coffee order: I don't think they have what you want at that deli.
Construction worker placing order: They have to have it. This is America, where do you think we are, Alaska?
Drunk chick: Apparently there are lots of guys here tonight who have slept with me that want to sleep with me again, and also a few here that have not slept with me that want to!
Friend: Really?
Drunk chick: Yeah! And it's a good thing I've changed, because if I hadn't, I'd be fucking everything in sight right now.
Pilot: We are now arriving in at JFK airport in New York City, home of the Yankees.
Met fan: That's not right...(yelling) What about the Mets?
Pilot: No one cares.
Rest of passengers: (cheering) –On JetBlue Airplane
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