Yes, this journal is intended to bring humor into your drabby little lives. It is also intended to cure my boredom as of now.
George W. Bush
He has to be one of the most hated men on earth, or at least in the United States. But, to be honest, I don't understand how you could dislike the man. I, unlike 99.9999999% of Americans, like Dubya. Here, my Mibbian neighbors, is my reasoning:
1. He is the best source of entertainment. Ever.
Seriously, picture yourself on a Saturday night, bored to fucking tears.
"HOLY FUG I'M SO BORED, I THINK I'M GONNA GO PICK MY NEIGHBOR'S NOSE! I've been bored for so long, I've picked my OWN nose for the past five hours and it's about to BLEED! Die, you bastard, DIE!"
Now, imagine a breaking news story that stops the normal programming.
"And now, Mr. President George 'Dubya' Bush with an important announcement."
Dubya: "YOW! The economy...it's...uh...gettin'...uh...better. You just gotta give the bailout plan some time to work. Speaking of work, I heard [he pronounces it like h-EAR-d, as in ear, as in the body part] the weirdest song the other day [pronounces it like "dee"] when I was scribblin-- writing an important letter to someone. I heard [once again, the pronunciation is off] that one song by that band Bowlin' for Soup that's all, 'Come back to Texas [pronounced TAY-cksus], it's just not the same since you went away, before you lose your accent...and forget all about the Lone Star State! There's a seat for you at the rodeo, and I got every slow dance saved. Besides, the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway!' Now that is true. Try gettin' a burrito [pronounced buh-REE-toe] at a Taco Bell in Maine and yer...uh...screw'd."
I would imagine such an announcement would not only cure your boredom, but it would also make you roll around on the floor like a constipated pig on crack from laughing so hard.
So to wrap this one up, ladies and gentlemen, I shall leave you with a simile, if you will. George W. Bush is like a famous stand-up comedian giving a performance for the whole country to see -- for free.
2. He proves that God, indeed, exists.
Yes, the headline says it all. He proves that God exists. He proves that God was smart enough to give us a wonderful free source of entertainment in our time of need.
Economic failure.
Wallstreet collapsing.
Stocks failing.
Retirements evaporating.
George W. Bush to provide humor to make our lives easier to deal with in these rough, harsh times.
Not only does Bush's existence prove that God is smart, but it also proves that God has the greatest sense of humor ever.
3. He is a record breaker.
Absolutely. Not only that, but he proves the theory that history does, in fact, repeat itself. He's a record breaker AND a theory enforcer. He is breaking records by leading the country into the worst economic disaster we've ever seen, and to top it all off, he's also repeating the historical events that took place some eighty years ago. October of 1929, anyone?*
4. He gives us attention.
Whenever you're feeling alone, emo, abandoned like a little puppy, or just downright fucking depressed, pick up the phone and spill your heart out. Bush will be on the other end, listening to every single word you utter out. Hey, if you're lucky, maybe he'll talk back to you!
5. He needs his own entertainment show.
Alright, alright, granted -- he sucks as a president. Majorly does he suck as a president. But I, for one, think he should have his own late night comedy/entertainment show after he's done "running" the country. Could you imagine the ratings?! They'd be out the fucking roof! People would tune in because he's amusing, a downright retard, and funny as HELL to watch. I mean, come on at some of the quotes he's said before in the past.
"After the chaos and carnage of September 11th, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers."
"America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our people."
"Americans are rising to the tasks of history, and they expect the same of us."
"Everywhere that freedom stirs, let tyrants fear."
"Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
"It's going to be the year of the sharp elbow and the quick tongue."
"This was not an act of terrorism, but it was an act of war."
"Bring them on."
Yeah, see where I'm going with this? "Bushisms" are fucking priceless, and I think an hour a night devoted to just watching a "Dubya" in his natural habitat is just what we need in our desperate times.
And that is why I think George W. Bush is an awesome person. He's funny as hell, and he gives me confidence whenever I feel stupid or dumb.
* = The Great Depression, dumbass.
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