there are things you love.
and things you want to do.
i love music, singing and cars.
i hate being so nervous and i hate stumbling over what i'm trying to say.
i want to sing,
i want to present and broadcast and such.
i want to be able to write and i want to be able to do track days.
so i want a license to drive and i want to study music.
before top gear,
i was never interested in driving.
i was hardly interested in getting a license,
but i'd known that my brother's car felt fast even at 20mph.
and i wanted to write a sequence for a bunch of my story characters to be in that car.
after top gear,
i feel stupid for wanting to study music, although i shouldn't.
because i've always loved music,
and even if i was rubbish at seven or eight on a recording of toxic i did on a cassette,
it's one of the things i want to do.
and why do i feel stupid?
because of james. james has that degree.
one in music and it's starting to feel like the people i admire,
i'm trying to do what they're doing and it's not fair.
i never really fancied the idea of uni,
but if i do get it and fail on broadcasting or electricals,
i've got backup.
somehow.
i would be able to work in tesco or something, without studying music.
but. i want it.
fame doesn't even phase me.
it doesn't bother me.
in fact, i'd rather have no fame.
but i don't want to keep everything in this crappy house in this crappy town in this crappy boring county.
i mean, i know this place like it's the back of my hand,
even if i'm not sure on every road,
but, it's boring.
it's all i've ever known.
move east, move north, move south.
move into international waters and land.
and i hate that i feel such a way because i'm a 12 year old kid and i'm in year 8.
and they're pushing us into making us think about our future.
and they're doing the same thing with year 7.
we're kids.
i want to be a proper kid again.
just enjoying myself and not feeling pressure and being happy and not feeling like i need to cope with adult stuff.
because i don't feel like a kid anymore.
i don't feel tall, i feel short.
i wish i was short.
but i guess, crap like that happens.
i want to feel like a proper kid and i never want to have to grow up and i wish i could be how i was.
i wish i didn't swear.
i wish i didn't watch all this stuff to do with actual adults and stay watching cbbc and cbeebies.
i wish i wasn't this size and i wish i'd had friends when i was younger.
and i wish i didn't feel this way.
and i wish deklan had never introduced me to pornography.
all this stuff has just ruined me.
and i'll never be a normal kid again.
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