my thoughts

Im glad that the people around me are happy i really am but i feel as though it is only me that is having the out of body experience...the one where everything feels like a dream...each day is the same no matter what happens i cant feel a thing and i dont know why.... my life hasnt been the best but i choose not to talk about it or complain about it because i find that it gets me or the people around me anywhere....im just...i dont know its like nothing seems to be right anymore....i keep having this thought of destruction and change...like something bad is going to happen in the future....my dad is currently terminally ill...and somehow i think that the feeling may be him passing away....my father and I have not really talked in the last three years as we had a falling out and never picked up the peices because we are both such stubborn people.

I just want things to go back to the way that they were when i was a little girl...i didnt know the way of the world...none of the bad shit...everything was okay and i was always happy...these days i cant help but notice that the bad stuff over rules everything. My worst fear is that people will perseive me as someone who knows and thinks...over analyses things you could say....way to much... it may be true but i feel that it is the only thing that really helps me to understand anything...go through every minor detail until everything and i mean absolutly uncovered....

I feel like i want to scream for help but at the same time i wont because I dont want other people to place their attention on me when their are so many bigger problems within the world. My mum has a huge history of strokes.... my father is terminally ill.. i feel that i need to help everyone else before i can help myself....at the end of the day i feel that i have not completed my job and that i have let people down in some way or another.

My mum and i are so close not only are we mother and daughter but we are also best friends...we tell eachother almost everything....i feel that this is one thing that i cant tell my mum as it would be to much for her to worry about.... i never want to hurt other people or stress them out with problems that are not of their own.

I guess in a way this whole journal is a scream out for help....to be honest i really dont know what it is....but jsut writing things does make me feel better...like somehow without talking to someone...i have lifted a weight of my shoulders like everything feels a bit better now that i have in a way spoken about it without these problems becoming a huge matter within my circle of family and friends...

sammy x xx x