I'm so Sick and Tired

I don't know. I shouldn't really care about death because it has never affected me directly. I never lost someone that I loved to death. Somehow though, I let it get to me and it managed to run me over like a freight train. The only thing I'm asking myself is: Why have I not given up?

I'll be completely honest. I have always been closet-emotional. I've never wanted to admit that I cry whenever I see Titanic or whenever I read the malfunctioning of the robot that has just begun to learn how to be human. [By the way, I really recommend this manga thing called "Absolute Boyfriend". It's heart wrenching that the end even thought I didn't like most of the content in the story.]

Why can't I just let it go though? I feel as thought I want pity, but at the same time, I feel so fucking pathetic. I'm so ashamed of wanting attention. I'm becoming sick of myself to the point where I can't even look at myself the same anymore.

I'm slowly losing my identity. I'm slowly dying inside, all over again. I'll kill my soul all over again then revive it for a short amount of time. Why can't I just give up? Why can't I just close my eyes and never open them again? Will I get the fucking attention I want that way?

Yeah, it's sickening. I could give a rat's ass if you think I'm just being an emotion loner or some brooding artist. I refuse to allow myself to be selfish. I don't want attention. I don't pity. I don't anything. I want to smile and be carefree and not give a shit about anything.

Caring is a gun to the head. Emotions are the bullets. And I am pulling the trigger.
I could still save myself.