Falling...again.

I feel like I'm falling. With nothing to hold on to. Everything was great (well as great as it could be)... but then you had to go and say the things I never believed I'd hear again, want the thing I never though you'd want again. I don't know what to do, and it's killing me. All the stress you're causing on top of everything else is enough to kill me. I'm so intent on staying sane that I can't even think. It helps keeping busy. I know if i do think about it then I'll make some mistake. I always do right? But i can't do that again...I can't hurt you again! All i do is hurt...you, and him, and my parents, my friends...what's wrong with me? Am I really that selfish?

I'm so sick of pretending to be happy...and holding back the tears. I'm going to break down, and I won't even be able to explain everything because I've been holding it in too long. I don't know what to do! What can I do? Breaking rules...hurting myself...him or you? You or them? God I'm so confused. I just wish someone could help me figure all this out. But how could I show them...how could I show them my true feelings..my true mind, when I don't even understand it myself?? Just so confused...too many people...too many things to feel. Why would you want me anyways? I'm not like any of you say I am. I'm not nice, I'm selfish...
Or are my views just screwed up? That wouldn't surprise me...
I wish everything would just figure itself out. There's too much....its all too overwhelming. No time to myself...what with school and practice and parents...Im trying so hard to be successful...what am I doing wrong? I just want to be myself.. Do I really deserve to fail? I can't imagine what I did that could make me feel this way..

I can't even sleep anymore...
and I think I'm having panic attacks...
I wish somebody could help me...
but if they tried, would I even be able to let them in?
....
not really sure...