English Monologue - 9.17.08

Hey. I was missing today, did you notice? Maybe. You asked if I was okay, even if Robin told you not to. And because I had such faith in your thickheadedness, I told you straight out that I was not okay. That my heart had been broken worse than I've ever felt before. That the past three and a half months have been a waste. But, just like I expected, you had no clue. You didn't have even the slightest idea that I've been in love with you for these turbulent three and a half months. That I admired you the day I met you. You haven't caught on to all the things I've been doing to impress you. You took up my entire radar and suddenly, my phone only existed so I could talk to you. My computer was only around so I could look at pictures of you and wish that somehow, you'd find out my deepest secret and do something about it. And for the first few weeks, the only reason I cared about school at all was because I was guaranteed to see you there. You never found out about how I threw up twice the night before I was to see you for the first time in two months. You never saw the wide grin that would spread across my face every time I got a message from you. And you certainly never witnessed the tears I cried for you for nights on end. My friends all thought you liked me back. That all the empty hits you dropped were full of promise. Three people asked if we were going out. In those moments, I allowed a buoy of hope to float atop my sea of doubt. I let myself believe my friends and analyze the "signs" along with them. I wouldn't find out until much later that you weren't lying when you told my inquiring companions that you loved me as a friend. I remember how those three cruel words rang in my head for days. I wondered then and I still wonder now what I could do, what I could have done to change the way you felt about me. The difference now is that I fully realize how stupid I was for following that wild goose chase for so long. And I'm hoping more than ever that I can get over you for good. Honestly, it seems like an impossible battle to fight. I wanted to know the truth so badly, and when I got it, my world fell apart. I've been afraid of changing, cause I built my life around you. Now my objective is to avoid you as much as I can. Today was the first time I instinctively and automatically turned away when you said "Hi," with your arms outstretched. I've never been able to turn away from you but today it was like my heart was protecting itself. I feel a gaping hole etching its way into my ribcage; the sight of you sets off a five alarm pain in my chest. Tears burn the back of my eyes at the sound of your voice. But you couldn't know that, of course not. You're a boy. A notoriously clueless one. And if I don't start letting go now, I'll cling forever more, and the removal will be more painful each time. So yes, I'll be missing for a while. I'll spare you from trying to make me feel better. I'm going to work on solo existence. Surviving you and this is the first step.