The way I relate to my parents...

Let's face it, Dad. I am nothing like you, Tracy, or the rest of the Bigelow unit. I'm not outdoorsy because let's face it - I fucking hate exercise and even though I'm on the crew team you guys should be able to recognize that. I'm on the crew team because I gave myself a weight loss ultimatum that did not involve changing my diet, and I can't organize things myself. I've grown up with Mom as my idol, the typical sexist female bias often found in little girls, and perhaps that's why I've turned out this way: cushy, girly, and constantly attached to something other than the current moment (i.e. electronic communications). Perhaps this is why you and Tracy both seem to be under the impression that I dislike your company and would rather be at my Mom's. But that's a whole 'nother story.
This observation, that I'm like an extra wheel, has always been the unwritten rule of sorts in our household, and even you should recognize that, no matter how hesitant you are to agree. There's always been you, Tracy, and Jackson, being social and hiking and shit, and then there's me, cuddled up in my room with any kind of electronics. One insignificant but supporting example is the picture by your bedside of you, Tracy, and Jackson standing together at Stinson Beach, while I'm in the cabin with a book or whatever. That picture has sort of stuck with me as I've contemplated this subject in the past. It's our family life in a nutshell.
Yes, I recognize myself now as a selectively social creature, the one person in our little yellow house who doesn't want to contribute personally to any factors; whether they relate to physical labor or verbal outreach. It's my own fault for that, I'm sure. I'm a lazy individual, physically and mentally, and it's very gross to admit that but it's true and I am accepting blame for it. I never argued against it when you or Tracy called me lazy or unmotivated, because truthfully, I am both of those things.
I've also come to realize that in this sense I am also totally unlike the rest of the Bigelow clan. I have been the last, aside, perhaps, from Frances, to develop a sense of selflessness when it comes to contributions of any sort. In this way I am a very idlike being. I choose to be superego in my own preferred situations, such as with my friends or at crew practice. I'm far from universal selflessness, which I'm sure you'll regrettably agree to, based on our recent discussions on this topic and your analyses on my behavior of late. I've seen how my selfishness has backed me into corners in the past, like when I was young and had no friends because I only threw temper tantrums and acted dramatic. It seems to be an unfortunate trend, although this time the situation has been halved in a way, where I'm pleasant half the time (with my friends) and unpleasant the other half (with my family) instead of unpleasant all the time.
I don't quite have a reason for why I am slow on the uptake for general manners and courteousness. It's like there's a politeness switch in my brain that automatically switches off in your (and the family's) presence. I've never intended to be casually cruel, to quote you, (and as I write this, I can imagine you scoffing at this statement) it just happens to come out at the wrong times. I try to come up with reasons why I'm so bipolar to please you but really I haven't a single valid one yet. I don't know what to expect in terms of how long it's going to take me to find one.

On a different but slightly related subject (and the reason I thought of all this in the first place):
The most recent trip to Arnold in celebration of the fourth of July and of Grammie's birthday was one of my most unpleasant.
I was dreading this trip in the days shortly before it, because as it became true, I wasn't expecting anything good to come of the trip, at least from my own narrow, inwardly focused adolescent perspective. Perhaps it was that I had preconceived notions about this trip that made it so terrible, because I was unconsciously wishing to fulfill my own gloomy expectations just so I could be right.
The addition of my laptop to this trip was a tough situation. On the one hand, it kept me from acting totally apathetic around our family, but on the other hand it kept me isolated from them too. It was another one of those childish desires that I didn't think through. I definitely did not expect to get internet up there, I only brought it to watch DVDs, which may have kept me similarly occupied. I hope you guys will understand that I never meant to disrespect anyone on this trip, it just came out that way. Of course I want to continue coming to Arnold to celebrate Grammie, without whom we would not be alive and well. I realize that I'll have to make a change, but as a constant person of sorts, change is hard for me...have you seen much of it in the past?
I hope you don't take this whole thing as a pansy disclaimer, but more of an explanation. I realize how much of a hermit crab I've become ("Emphasis on 'crab'" is what you're thinking right now, I know it) in how I've shut myself off from the family, slowly but surely, for reasons you would scoff at and not believe. It seems any reason I come up with is bullshit to you but is very real for me. I hope you guys accept as parents that you'll never know half of what is going on in your kids' brains. That's not meant to insult you at all, but it probably will, like a lot of my statements, but there are just some things that are never meant for parents' ears.
This reminds me of one night when I was sitting at the computer (no, really?) and we got on the topic of what I thought of myself and you were shocked to find out that I had low self esteem. I don't think you will ever truly grasp how low my self esteem actually is, nor do I mean you to. The last thing I want is for you to be worried and to make fruitless attempts to make me love myself, or for you to send me to some kind of hospital/clinic for the depressed and self loathing.
My self esteem (or lack thereof) is largely a part of my extroverted efforts (or lack thereof.) I have a complex system of beliefs and policies involving subjecting myself to others and how I go about it. This is another moment where I'm sure you're thinking "Bullshit," but this is probably the epicenter of our misunderstandings. What I find real, you think is bullshit, and vice versa.
Obviously we have a lot to work out, and this piece of writing will probably enrage you more than any other, but sometimes that's what's required in order for a solution to happen. I do not wish to exclude myself from family events of any sort in the future, and I hope my actions going forward will make that clear.
This letter, note, essay, whatever, was not meant to be an apology, though I am sorry. Nor was it meant to be an argument. I wrote this simply to (hopefully) clear the air between us and to try to articulate myself more obviously and in a way that I can only accomplish in writing. In retrospect, this composition about reflects what I wished for when I lay awake in my bed outlining it: A large portion of explanation with a dash of peacemaking, a pinch of apology, and a hint of argument and self defence (as in all my statements). I hope you don't take this the wrong way, and I hope your temper doesn't flare up as you read this, because anger was not what was supposed to come out of this. Hopefully the submission of this free write will make things more positive in this family unit so we're not both miserable half the year.