January 27, 2008

I don't feel like I'm worth much anything anymore. I'm pretty insignificant. Not that many people would attend my funeral, I think.
Every now and then I imagine what it would be like to get seriously injured and go to the hospital. While I'm walking across a street, I imagine myself getting hit by a car. If I'm in a crew boat, I picture myself cracking my skull on my oar when I catch a crab. I even think sometimes I want to get seriously injured and have to go to the ER. I want to trip down the stairs and land in a bloody, broken mess. Is that a little masochistic? I imagine all possible ways of myself getting mangled and nearly beyond repair. Just to see how events would unfold after that. Would my life be totally changed? What about other peoples' lives?
The more I think about it, the less I think people would care. After all, everyone around me has been in extreme situations. What would it matter if I did? They did it first after all. Whatever.
Maybe I'll get run over by a BART train tomorrow.