final thoughts

i hope by writing down all this i can leave it behind me and it wont haunt me anymore. my last boyfriend was a horrible mistake. but i cant really say its something to regret. yes it was awful because it caused so much frustration, and agony and i cant get the horrible memories out of my head. its makes me sick. i really liked him. he wasnt that normal hot guy but he wasnt ugly. he would make me laugh all the time and i was so comfortable around him. i wish the pain of not being with him would be worse than being with him. total opposite. the fact that he was nervous is totally expected. but knowing me i am a very out there type of girl. a simple nod was all i got in our school hallways when seeing him. no smile or sweet gesture or touch of hands. he didnt go near my locker or change a route to try to see me. he wouldnt spend recess (and yes we had recess wow i know!) with me unless i made great effort to get his attention. Then our big end of the year trip was a total drag. we always go to a water park which is awsome. we planned to spend the day together, which we did, i dont want you to think he ditched me, but it was like he wasnt there. totally out of it. there were certain moments where he did something "boyfriendish" but it was rare. the only time he held my hand....i remember it clear as day.....was when we went on a spinning ride and he thought he was going to be sick so i held his hand. (i know what a winner i chose right?) but when we were leaving the ride i kept a grip on his soft hand but he twisted his him and pulled away. Now we are totally away from any school ground so PDA is okay, but he wouldnt even hold my hand. then afterward he would brag to his friends about the amazing day he had while the truth was he didnt do anything. when school got out i waited a week to hear from him. now you'd think "well why dont you call him" i did txt him with no reply but to tell you the truth i had my doubts. my friends would say oh zoe he really likes you talks about you all the time...so i figured why wouldnt he call me? well i was on facebook and his friend messages me asking if i've hung out with him and he told me that my bf had been free all week. finally his friend told my bf to call me HE NEEDED HID BEST FREND TO SAY 'CALL YOUR GIRLFRIEND'.......then we went to the movies, dont feel like its a date it was a group of friends and i planned the whole thing with my best friend......then he waited til i went to the bathroom to drap his arm over my chair so when i sat down his arm was there, what a move! (sarcasm there!!!!!) a little while later (not hearing from him still) i went to my frends pool party where he ignored me and acted like my friend. i broke up with him after one month of pure nothingness.

now your probably saying wow this chick is soo not ova that guy...and to be honest i dont think im 100% over him but im like 99.9% because hes a total ass now...lol....but lately ive been remembering little things that he used to do that got me so angry and then i would argue with myself whether or not to actually care. i was hoping this journal entry would dissolve all of that. make me not care anymore...get it all out in the open so i can be gone of it all. i want to be free from the haunting memories of my past and by writing it down i feel as though i have lifted a very heavy bag off of my shoulders. so dont say im not over him cause i am but i am also pissed that he screwed it up because i really did like him.