Way To Confuse A Girl

I never really thought, that everything could fall apart quite as spectacularly as it has.

But you learn something new every day, or so they say.

But when I learnt that, no, he wasn't still in love, or too hurt to be in a relationship again so soon, he was just with someone else behind my back: with one of my friends. I didn't really want to know.

It was just one of those things that you wish with all your heart that you hadn't found it but at the same time you are so glad that you know now rather than later.

But its still hard, in situations such as these, to try and link the person who you knew and loved with this new person they've suddenly become in your eyes. This lying, scheming player, just doesn't match the cute, understanding guy, who I fell in love with.

I don't really uderstand myself to be brutally honest.

I mean, one second it felt like I was being ripped apart by something inside of me, and then next second I just sorta said to my heart, 'Look He's a fucker, he doesn't deserve you, you'll never again be sure whether he means what he says, so Heal Already!'

And I swear to God, just like that I pushed him outta my head and don't love him anymore.
To tell the truth I hate him, but I do still have feelings for him.
But either way, nothing will ever happen now,as I just can't trust him, so I don't hurt so much.

Thing is though; although Im not hurting...
My heart aches.
Which is a contradiction in terms.
And at the same time as this.

Im totally and completely numb.
I mean what is up with that?

I mean way to confuse a girl; just let her feelings run free and wild.

And also Im racked with guilt because of what I did with him.
I mean Ok, so they were broken up (and still are)
But I still feel helllishly guilty.

And despite having all my friends around me, I've never felt quite so alone in all my sorry life.