Ok so it says that journals have to be something worthwhile and not silly spam. So i'm not even sure if this is going to get deleted or not. Personally I don't think I'm all that worthwhile. I suppose i'm just using this like I would any other journal, the only difference being that anyone can read it. I don't mind, given the subject matter most people will find it unbearably dull anyway.
I need to sort out my thoughts, everything is going about a million miles an hour at the moment and maybe once i've calmed my mind down a bit I'll be able to push past the writers block and actually be able to do something.
How cliched is it to say I'm completely over guys only to have them completely clogging up my thoughts? I suppose I better start at the beginning, for those of you who do decide i'm slightly interesting.
A while back I had a boyfriend called I. He was the first person I've ever told that I loved them. It's something thats pretty hard for me to say. I've even tried saying it to my mom on a few occasions for it to just come out as a stuttered, garbled mess. I'm doing better saying it now, but back then it was increadibly hard. So he was the first... I suppose you can say before I I was an 'I love you' virgin. Not the other sort of course, as shamed as I am to say it. Without going into details he hurt me, really bad. He obviously never loved me in the way I loved him.
After I I tried looking for that spark again, well after a suitable time of mourning anyway (I think six months is long enough to nurse a broken heart). I think I was just too scared to put myself fully into a relationship though and so invaribly any I tried failed. Until I met D.
D is every girls worst nightmare. An unreliable, smooth talking liar who's used to getting exactly what he wants. He knows exactly what to say and do to make you think he's actually interested and then once he got what he wants he'll pretend to be interested for the next couple of days... or just long enough to change his mobile phone number. I was one of the girls who fell for his rubbish. Well we used to work together and I quit not long after he did. Then I started working where I am now and I met A... who reminds me so much of I that whenever I look at him I want to beat him to the ground.
Well I started feeling attracted to A except it came out as pure frustration and we would just end up making horrible sarcastic comments to each other.
Now that you're all caught up I can get to the point thats getting me all blocked up creatively.
Two days ago I got a message from D on facebook. He hasn't had any contact with me for the last 3 months and then BANG like a shot to the head he's suddenly back in my life.. or has the opportunity to be back in my life if I'm stupid enough to let him. My boss told me today that A quit. B1 has just asked me if I would have said yes if he asked me out 6 months ago (before he found his current gf) and I've told him I can't answer that. B2 has come back to Aus after travelling the world and said we need to catch up because he really misses me. And so how is it with all these guys in my life I still manage to be alone?
And yes I realise I never went into B1 and B2 but thats because them two are a whole new can of worms... and the main reaosn most of my relationships have failed.
Anyway this is me signing off.
Ciao
xx
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