Drugs;Life;Needs

In my personal, only mine, not influenced by everyone else on the planet, opinion... I don't think pot is bad. All my life I've been taught that weed is NOT a drug. And upon growing up and experiencing more things then I like to remember I agree. Drugs are things that destroy your life faster than you can say "Son of a bit-" And weed, while being a gateway to these 'throw your life away' drugs isn't one itself, at least not to me. I've been raised by potheads and I only recently found out. In vegas I knew Mike was a drunk and my mom was crazy but when we moved here... when I grew up everything made sense. We never had money and we lived in a shithole because it all went to weed. I grew up around drunk men who came over when they really should be at their own houses.
I think it influenced me a lot, because even now... not knowing it most the time I befriend stoners. I attract people who party and I love them, don't get me wrong... I love all my friends so much. Even the ones who get mad at me for needed to talk.
I always have so much to say and no one to listen; I'm always ignored and I'm sick of it. Sometimes it feels like I don't have anyone... I miss adult conversation. I miss living. I miss laughing so much my face hurt almost constantly. I miss traffic. I miss being loved. I miss being carefree. I miss the days when every time I was upset I thought the world was over, now I just think about killing myself and cutting my wrists. Why can't I be blind again? Why can't I be a kid who sits in her room all day, not talking to anyone and just reading a book that took me far, far away from the place where my mom would hit me. Where everyone needed me for something. Where I got yelled at for not doing simple things that a little kid shouldn't be doing anyways.
Before I turned 13 books did it for me, since then pot and booze and friends have done it. But... I don't have anything anymore. I have some kind-of friends who like me, I like them. I have some best friends I barely ever see, they both only talk about boys. I have someone who pretends to listen. And then I have one that gets mad whenever I bring the conversation up to pg13.
My life revolves around these people I can't stand!
I'm so sick of it.
I just want a real friend, someone who will listen, relate, and stay calm for a whole fucking coversation. I miss... august.