the basics

does that thing where you get really apprhenisve and nervous at very random and weird time ever happen to you? it happens a lot to me, and im starting to get kinda scared, cause its like where i can't breathe and i really freak out, but i just rationally calm myself down. but i keep shaking... it just happened and now im confused, and dont know why it happenes. i dont feel all that well either, maybe nausous. ugh. not fun, or funny. im creeped.

anyways, i've discovered a new found love for evert=ything classic. and oldish, like classical music, by mozart and bach and those long conertos by beethoven. and older english literature, like pride and prejudice. and emma. and some creepy edgar allen poe, and some shakespear. its actually really fun. i guess with the literature, its just really clean and crisp. its not modern junk (not saying it isnt entertaining) but its beautiful. its like a sweet harmony, clean, clear and uncorrupted. theres sense to everyones mind and a proper way of things and a sense of orderliness, which i greatly attept to adapt. it is my greatest wish to be accomplished and hard working, as now my character does not show. haha, so ive put mymind to it that im really gonna try and get over my fear and hold backs to be amazing, so if anyone tells me that, i can admit in quiet modesty to myself that i deserve it. and with classical music, you just can't imagine till you been in it. like with marching band. but marching band music swells up in you or captivates you quickly and hard. orchestra is like a gentle tingling tugging your hand luring you off. a quieter pleasent type of music. of, course, orchestra can also be powerful and harsh, but even then, its all these feeling trapped inside you, really in your heart. and its just so fresh and sweet. and, unlike modern music, classical music is a laguage of its own. anyone, german or japanese, can find a meaning within it and understand its loops and lyrics. its really amazing.

oh, and guess what? i have acquired a favourite shadow. he might be a slight bit taller than me (on days i dont wear heels), but is very entertaining, and a pleasent creature, with a friendly disposition. i really took a liking to this kid. he is so adorable and sweet. i hope he stays that way.

and its mostly settles. i most likely will be going to southside, which pains me in a great several ways. i have already made amazing friends, and know my way around mauldin. but i guess if i want to do something with myself, i'l give it up. and then all the friends i have now i give up to that too. :( and all the people i have come to like over the course of the last three years. and all the people who might give a crap abotu a missing deepti. and i suk at communication, believe me, there will be no contact after a bit and those connections will be lost. and i hope i wont go with them.

i suppose the band is another big thing i can and have to give up. but, i could march a bass at southside, freshman year, and there's a sweet little danny waiting to get a mauldin child in his hands. and maybe, heck, i could end up being drum major, or make a drastic change in thier band? maybe i could be amazing, and come back ever year to help, like mallory. (i love you mallory) and im gonna stick with orchestra anyhow, so thats there, and maybe i'll try sinfonia and cys next year.

i want to be able to be proud of myself. you can tell. but somehow, its not working even though i put fort effort. i really really do. i want to be something special, i always have. but im not, and it'll be the worst dissappointment if i have to carry that to the grave. what's there of me to be proud of? grades? NO, i keep failing.. band? No, there are better. Art? there are milloins better. writing? i suck, man. no. i have no extraordinary friendship talents or stuff like that either.
i am no natural genious
i am completely unassertive and scared (i wont ever let it show through though.. unless your at my orchestra)
i suck at keeping contact (one of my biggest faults)
there's nothing i can think of.
god-night.