Left Out. Again. And I Need Help.

I'm happy for my friends. I truly am. I just feel so downtrodden when life gives me a plethoria of painful problematic precipices. Yes, I'm working on my alliteration.

I love my friends like family, and I'm very glad that they come to me with their problems, but I have such a hard time dealing with my own problems and because I'm involved in so many of their problems, I don't have time to solve my own. And it's pretty much that I feel like I'm selfish when I want to focus on my problems instead of theirs.

Between homework, what is happening outside my head, trying to focus on their problems, and keeping in close touch with my Sissy, I hardly have any time for myself. I usually have very acute insomnia, but I'm so stressed right now that I wind up passing out and having cracked up dreams.

Last night, Joe slept over, she cried on my shoulder for a couple hours and cried about her problems in her relationship.

I'm trying to GET a relationship. Which is another reason I want to focus on my problems for a while, instead of theirs, but they are going to have a bit of a bump in the road to get over, because now they know they need to work on somethings in their relationship. So I really an't bail out right now because I'm the one to try and patch things up when they crack or break. Thats how it always is.

Joe and Mimi got mad at me a while back because I was always getting incredibly mad whenever they got into little fights(They are dating.) And I would pretty much freak out. I did that because every little ripple is so exagerrated, and is then dumped on my shoulders.

Mimi and Joe got into a week-long fight about whether orange juice or tea was better, AND IT WAS LOADED ONTO ME! I receive the blunt end of almost every single thing in THEIR relationship.

I'm the girl everyone goes to for advice. That's why I'm so involved in their relationship. Thing is, I have to say what they want to hear. The positive stuff. Joe is upset because of something that happened in summer, and that's what she cried about to me last night. I realize how much it hurt, and I realize all that stuff, I just feel like it's too much for me sometimes.

I wasn't supposed to take on the troubles of two other people as well as my own. I'm in enough of a depressive state already.

Joe will usually get extremely worried about little things, and then she'll tell me all about them and look for advice, and I'll do my best to give her peaceful advice, the talk with her boyfriend Mimi. And then I wind up being a little more than half the communication between them.

They get mad because I'm mad at them for fighting, when I have damn well enough stress in my life without having their problems becoming mine as well! How is it my fault if I get mad at people who put me under constant stress?

I'm left out because I'm the only one single in the group. I'm the last one. Tai, MimiXJoe, and I are the 'Originals' but I'm the only one to not have ever had a boyfriend. Minus Mimi, he is dating Joe.

I don't want to talk about this with them because I want time to focus on working out some of my problems. And I can't do that when they depend on me to help fix theirs.

I want to board a plane and go live with Sissy for a while. Maybe everything will just resolve itself if I do.

I seriously can't handle all this bullshit. When I try and bring up talking about my problems to try and aske them for advice, the topic always switches over to their relationship problems, which slightly defeats the purpose. And I can't change the topic back or I feel like a self-centered bitch. I'll feel like that when I push the submit button on this journal entry too, because I don't tell people this kind of thing normally, but I can't take it anymore. I love my friends, but they hurt me so badly.

I really wish Joe would finally go through with even trying to set me up. I set Kouichi and Tai up, it's not that hard, and now Joe says it's my turn to be set up. As if. It will never happen because it's all just words.

And even if anyone actually does put the effort into it, no one will agree to do it. I'm just too much of a freak. It's turned away any guy that might possibly like me. So there's really no point in them wasting their time and energy on it anyway.

I try and focus on my own problems whenever I stay awake at night, but then I get sidetracked and fall asleep. I'm too dim-witted to solve my own problems.

It's not like I can be trusted to solve my own problems anymore. I need to give all my time to their problems, I'd do so much to keep them happy. Even if it means I have no time to deal with my own matters.

I just get so mad at things like when Mimi wrote this journal. http://www.mibba.com/journals/read/106617/

That hurt like a bitch slap. I'm the one with the freaking notebook. I'm the one who hosts the parties(supervised and yatta yatta, I'm not forcing him to do drugs or anything.) I admit. I'm a huge bitch when I'm stressed, and with all those problematic aforementioned, I'm always stressed.

I pretty much beg him to go to the party type things because he hangs out with his other friends a lot. And I host them because I want all my friends to have fun at them, together.

And as for the club, yea, I really wanted him to go, because he likes anime to, and all that.

I am like the biggest bitch in the freaking world. I just ranted on my friends, then I use things they wrote to fuel my extreme self hatred, and it really sounds like I'm blaming them. I'm surprised I still have them around.

They would all do better without me. Mimi wouldnt be upset about me hosting parties that he doesn't want to go to, or chasing him with books. And I wouldn't be able to make them feel bad as I know they'll feel when reading this, because I'm a total bitch.

I'm listening to Sheryl Crow's rendition of the song 'Behind Blue Eyes' because that's a pretty damn good sum up of how I feel.

I'm the bad guy. The sad one.
December 22nd, 2008 at 07:52am