I really don't know how to start this, it's a problem I've always had, writting about myself that is, let alone my problems. I guess you could say I would completly avoid the topic of myself, even if I had to cross a thousand bridges and walk through hot coals and snake pits. Although most of the time, the way I act, people would think differently. I guess I should start with how I met the men that are making me feel the way I do now.
Well, back in October 2006, a model competion that was sponsered by sugar magazine and rimmel. They were touring around shopping malls with a camera team, models and bands.
I'd gone to my local mall for this reason with my friends Jayde, Abi, Laura and Chelsie, (Although they don't come into this very much.) Over the last few months, I had been talking to 2 girls online, (Steph and ALi) and we were all going to try meet up again. I say again because the first time I tried to meet up with them, they took one look at my black baggy jeans and chains and got scared! Bless them. Anyway, I met up with them too, and we hung outt for the rest of the day.
There were two ques in the center of the mall, both to see if you were model material or not. One was for people that had already bought pictures with them, and onee for people who had not. Abi and Chelsie already had pictures with them, so they went in that que and we didn't see them for the rest of the day. The rest of us went in the other que.
Whilst queing up, I have this stupid memory of playing a really loud polyphonic ringtone down my friends ears, I think it was brain stew, and it didnt start for a shhort while, so everytime I told my friends to listen to something, they wouldnt hear anything then they would suddenly jump out their skins. I remember creasing myself laughing for ages!
By the time we got to the front of the que, Steph, Ali and myself had our pictures taken, took our bag of free make up and we moved a bit about a couple of metres away from the ques. My friend Jayde is very pretty and got held back for more photos. Anyway, whilst me and the girls waited, (I dunno where Laura went) 4 guys walked over to us. Little did I know I'd become great friends with them. All I remember is that one of them were wearing a suit jacket and jeans and was the main person talking, and that a blonde haired guy with a lazy eye was looking at Stephs badges. They wanted us to come watch their band play at 2pm.
So naturally, when Jayde came over and the guys had left, we went shopping! (Wow I sound shallow..) When 2pm rolled around we went to go watch them. I remember the first note I heard, it was amazing! I remember shuving my bags onto my friend Jayde, Steph doing the same, and jumping up and down at the back, cheering in all the right places. They were amazing. I remember looking up and seeing my school bullies on the second floor, I don't know what possessed me, but from that moment on, I couldn't care what they thought of the shy girl they pushed around at school, now jumping up and down, grinning from ear to ear. And from that point, I knew my life was going to change, I couldn't explain at the time how these events could make such an impact, but they did. My confidence improved like wild fire, my music taste became much mmore wide ranged, and I was happier.
After they finished playing, my friends and I were sitting in an alcove near one of the fire exits, excited and thinking about where we could find the men and ask if they would sign stuff for us. I saw them walk past and shouted. "OMG, IT'S MINUS IQ!". Jake walked backwards and looked at us, pulling Charlie back. We got them to sign some stuff and they told us to follow them to get the other guys to sign stuff for us. I remember Jake asking me which songs I liked. I loved all of them so I said so. Obviously.
They asked us if we would stay and show them around norwich, but I had to get home as it was getting dark, and only being 13 at the time and having to get the bus back on my own. I had to leave. If I'd known though, that I wouldn't see them for a year later, I would have stayed.
The following year, had to be the worst year of my life. I met my first boyfriend at the end of May, he forced me into stuff I didn't want to do, leaving me completly petrified of men for the next 6 months, I still havent regained my trust completly in them, but then to find out he was cheating at the same time, doing to others what he'd done to me, it felt horrible. I had my first fist fight, and lost two of my previously best friends along with alot of other friends. I started starving myself with 500 calories a day and lost a stone in 3 weeks, then felt completly depressed as I can't keep it up anymore. But, (and I don't think they actually realise how much they helped me through that year with just messages alone), Minus IQ had been keeping in touch once of twice every 2 or 3 weeks, I can't remember exactly, but I think it helped me regain my trust in guys and took my mind off what was happeening in my life.
In October, we saw them again, after a year later, we'd become quite good friends with them. (We being myself, Steph and ALi. Them being minus iq) They'd changed so much, they had been signed and had beeen making an album which is coming out in 2009 (BUY IT). We had dedications on stage and danced for ages to the DJ with them. When we had to go we had grins on our faces. Again, I don't think they realise how happy they made us.
We saw them 7 times the following year, (2008). We became good friends over the constant emails and gigs. They said they have given us a thanks in the sleeve of their album and my friends and I have been able to confide in them like brothers. They have helped us so much over this year. Especialy me. Although they don't know it yet, and they probably will seeing as I may send them this, but they have made such an impact on my life, seeing them and watching their gigs give me something to look forward to, helping me get through the days at school of torment and abuse. I guess you can say, they are the light at the end of the tunnel for me. They've made my confidence increase so much and made me see what life could be like, I acctually put some effort into living for once.
But sometimes, when I don't know when I'm going to see them next, and the weeks turn into months, and the months turn into 3 or 4 months, I feel like my family and friends have been taken away, like I have nothing to look forward to, (I sounds like i have no life, of course I have some things to look forward to, but nothing that would make me smille so much that I thought i'd need the grin surgically removed from my face). Sure the messages help, I mean, I love getting them, I've said to Jake before that, In the craziness that is happening around me, the out of controll lifestyle I lead, that the messages from him and Mike, give me some sort of normality. And for that I am so thankful to them they'd never understand. At their gigs, their hugs are always the ones I miss the most, mainly because these are the guys I want to run to when i'm crying and need advice. I miss them all so much and it pains me to say it to my friends steph and ali cause they cope so much better than I do with missing them.
I'm seeing them sometime near the end of January, or early February. But it's going so slowly. My life is turning even more upside down. My granddad is dying, and probably wont live to see the end of January, I've failed my mocks, I havent decided what college I want to go to, which isn't helpful as i'm half way through my last year of high school, and I've been told by the doctors that I have manic depression and something like an ed. It's making me think that everything I've lived for, is just going to end one day. That the guys are going to disapear from my life, (which makes me panic so much), and that one day everyones going to give up on me.
I guess what i'm trying to say is, I don't think I can cope with this on my own anymore. I miss the guys so much, I can't tell my best friends because they miss them just as much as I do and I'll make them feel worse, not to mention loading all my other problems on them ontop of that. I can't controll anything in my life anymore. I honestly don't know where I'm heading in life.
Hope you've enjoyed the outlook of my life for the last 2 years. God knows I'm not looking forward to another year.
Amie xx
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