Marrige has been on my mind a lot lately...

I really don't know why. It's probably just because I don't wanna live here anymore. Yeah...I'll stick with that.
Anyways, I just realized something. I'm probably going to break it off once I do find that perfect guy...but only because I'm too scared. Even though I know that now, I know it's going to happen anyway...I'm a weak person internally. But I just need that one guy who wont just take it...I need him to keep fighting for it because he loves me, you know?
I know that I'm going to be in love with whoever this happens to....But no matter how afraid I am of my parents, I'm more afraid of living a life I'm not familiar with. Love...it's a scary concept to me I guess. I want to be in love. I really do. Because I hate going out and having to see couples holding hands and being all lovey together when I know I can't have that. Not now...maybe not ever. It's like...who would want to fall in love with a girl who's afraid of living, and afraid of almost everything else? I'd be totally useless...
The only thing I can really do right is be violent. I don't get good grades in school, I can't cook unless you want the house burned down, I'm scared the vacuum cleaner's going to pull my hair off...I'm not even pretty...
I know I'm not fat. I'm not one of those anorexic chicks who are like "OMG! I have flab" because that's stupid. I'm not a twig, but I'm not huge. And that's the only quality of mine that I'm okay with. And maybe singing...even though I can barely do that right.
So, all in all...I'm just a useless person. Yay.
This is such a fucking self esteem boost, huh? Don't pity me, I hate that. I just...I just need to feel like someone cares, you know?
Well, maybe you don't. I'm not you. But I do know what I feel. Even though my friends tell me "Aww! You have the best singing voice EVER!" and "You're so pretty!" I know they're just trying to make me feel okay. It works for a few seconds though, and I'm thankful for that.
I don't do well with complements. Because...I rarely receive them. Like, once someone was like "your hair's so long and pretty!" I told them...Fuck off.

I felt really bad about that later, but how do you think you would deal with that when all you hear is stuff like "You need to buy some more of that cream for your face...it's breaking out again" from your mother? And it's not just like, once a month. It's at least ten times. Daily. And everytime she says it, I just have to clench my fists and bear it, because it's not like I can punch my mother in the face unless I want to be disowned. And if I was disowned I would starve/freeze to death because it's not like anyone would want to take me in. I can't tell her that it makes me feel ugly, or hated, because then she would just go on a fucking rant about that being the reason I should clean up more. I haven't actually listened to a word she said, in a few weeks because it's not like she ever compliments me. I just blast my music in my earbuds and go somewhere else.

I'm gonna shut up now. You don't wanna hear it.