Thank you.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my last journal.

Your advice is more appreciated then you could know. I've made my decision, and I will be going to see my brother. Tomorrow morning, probably. You guys were right - This is my last chance I will get to see him, to let him know how much he is loved. I do not want to regret missing that chance for the rest of my life. I havn't decided if I want to be there when he dies. I don't know if I will even get the chance to decide that, but after I've seen him tomorrow, I suppose I'll know how I feel.

I feel very...lost I suppose. My family have a deep Catholic faith but for the first time in my life I find myself questioning God. If His plan was to take my brother, then why did He let him believe he was supposed to live? Why did He give us so much hope, only to take it away from us?

I feel like my brothers first battle with cancer was completely pointless. Was he always going to die? Was that the plan, from the day he was born? Is it true what the doctor said, that he was never meant to be here? He said that there was nothing we could do to prevent it, the spinal cancer was going to happen from the moment he was born...This leukima is a result of that. So, from the moment he was born, was he never going to survive? Why did God put him on this planet if he would just suffer?

Maybe there's hope yet. Maybe we'll witness a miracle. I believe in miracles, definitely. But I also know they are very rare. But I also believe that if there's ever a moment in my life that I'll witness a miracle, it's now. I'm not going to fool myself, I know the odds are against us - But it never hurts to have a little hope, right?

Thank you to everyone who says they are praying for or thinking of my family. It means so much. Wish me luck when I go to see him tomorrow...