"Whisper Words Of Wisdom, Let It Be..."

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,
speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,
there will be an answer. let it be.

Friends are amazing, aren't they? I was having the worst day I could imagine, and then along comes my best friend Gemma, and she dosen't let me mope. We didn't do much. Just sat on my sofa and talked. Just about stuff. Nothing to do with cancer and dying and funerals. Just stuff. We watched Superbad and Across The Universe for the hundreth time.

Across The Universe isn't the most feel-good film, but I consider it my all-time favorite film ever and there's just something about watching it that makes me feel so much better. During the scene where they sang "Let It Be" though I found myself in tears even though I've never cried at that scene in the movie before. If you've seen the movie and read my previous journals, you can probably understand why.

It all kind of hit me then, what's really happening to me, how soon Sam will be gone forever and I won't be able to do anything about it. But it also made me feel better about that fact. Well, not better. Just accepting. Let it be. This is how it is. I can't change it by getting angry at anyone, by getting angry at the world or doctors or God. It won't a change a thing, and the angrier I get, the worse it will be. Maybe if I accept it, it will be a little easier.

Of course, as soon as I started crying Gemma was having none of it and attempted to distract me as much as possible - And managed to succed. Soon I was laughing again and feeling more calm and happy then I have in weeks. I love that girl. =)

For now, at least, I can accept that my older brother will soon be gone forever and it's no ones fault. As much as it hurts, I just have to "Let It Be" It won't make it any less painful but hopeful it will make it easier to accept.

As of right know, Sam's still with us. I don't know how long for, it could be anything up to a few days. I'll be heading out to see him for an hour or two soon. I hate the feeling of worry I feel that it might be the last time I see him. Even if it is, he was certainly one amazing big-brother to me. And he's certainly so so loved. I'll make sure he knows that.