Pretty much a ramble...but it'd mean a lot if you guys actually read it...

Have you ever had one of those days, where you just wanted to block out everyone and everything, including the people you love? Well I have.

It all started when my best friend wasn't replying to any of my texts. She was seven hours away at her dad's house for the Christmas holidays. And of course, boring depressed little old me was sitting in my bedroom, at the computer, trying to think of things to do.

As New Years was coming closer, and we had plans to go to a party together, everyone was getting worried when the fifteen year old wasn't replying to anyone. She had been home for a couple of days, and wouldn't even talk to anyone on the phone.

"You know...you should try it. Blocking out the world...It'll do you some good." she said to me, as we spoke on the phone the day of new year's eve. I was just glad that she was okay. I didn't really care about everything else.

But then that night, I had had some boy problems at the party, little old me, screwing up things as usual. And that next morning, my best friends suggestion had become a very good idea for me.

I sat on the couch all day, and was actually for once, pretty content. I hadn't actually been "happy" in almost a year, but being content was good enough for me right now. You can't just put a four year old on a bike and expect them to be able to ride it perfectly. Things take time.

Time. Hmm...such a simple word. Time has been known to heal everything. People keep telling me, just wait, your heart will heal. Just wait, you'll find that right guy. Well what if time isn't exactly going to help me? I mean...I've always been a bit different than anyone else. Maybe it's the fact that I have such a low self esteem, that I don't think anything or anyone can help me.

It's like a quote that I found on the internet one day.

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year come in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."

That defines me perfectly. I didn't really care all that much about the New Year's Eve party I went to... I just wanted the year to go away. A new year, a new me, a new start. I know that there would be people who would be upset with the new me, but obviously the me that I was being wasn't working well for me. Because no matter what I would do, bad things would happen...

The year 2008 was a blah-ish year for me.

It seemed as if I couldn't escape it. Couldn't escape the drama. Couldn't escape the boy. Couldn't escape the feelings I felt. Couldn't escape myself.

That's what I wanted the most. To escape myself. But no matter how hard I tried, I would just be sucked in deeper and deeper.

People started giving up on me, and I even started giving up on myself. I would go days, even weeks without having a day that I wouldn't cry.

People are cruel. People in general are extremely cruel. I hate people. I honestly do. I try to be the nicest person I can be, until someone is mean to me. Once someone is mean to me, that gives me the exception.

Why is it that guys will play with girls hearts, make them think they have a chance, lead them on, and then shoot them down. Why must they push someone who is already on the ground?

Why is it that the best people always get the worst things happening to them?

I'm not saying that I'm perfect or the best thing ever. I make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I know that. But you know what, I try my best. I spend my days trying to please people. No matter what I do, I have to please people. One of the things I fear the most is not being able to please people. Not being good enough for them.

Sometimes, I don't feel as if I'm good enough for anyone. I mean...I know that there are people that care about me...and I really appreciate that. But I mean...there's gonna be days where you just feel completely worthless. Because no matter how hard you try, you're not gonna be good enough for that one special person.

I just don't see why the people that get hurt the most, are the ones that honestly don't deserve it.

Why can't I just find a nice guy, that actually likes me and will treat me right? Is it that hard to ask for?!

These are my thoughts. These are my feelings. Kind of messed around, just like the inside of my head. All messed up.