What do you do when something really bad happens to you? Maybe your the type of person that goes and talks to someone you trust. I'm not that kind of a person. When something really, really bad happens, I block it out, I try and forget. Of course I never truly forget, all the same, it's at the very back of my mind, and it rarely comes to the front.
But every now and then, something brings it back out, something just pokes and prods at it. Tempting it, until it wont go away, at least until push it back... way back.
I was reading an article in an old People magazine, you know the one with Obama right on the front? Well my mom keeps pretty much every magazine she's ever laid her hands on. But thats not the point. It was an actor, someone you might know (I think he's the short one with glasses in Whose Line is it Anyways? but I'm not sure). But he was talking about the reason he decided to act as a pedophile in a movie he was in. It wasn't the whole article that brought back the memories, it was something he said.
I'm not going to do a direct quote, I don't really have the magazine with me right now, but you'll get the gist. He said something about how this man, took his first sexual encounter. And the I realized something, I didn't have that memory pushed back as far as I thought I did. As far as I'm concerned, he took my virginity.
Every experience I had after that, wasn't what I imagined it to be (and I'm not trying to say I'm a slut or anything, three guys in four years is not a slut). And I never really understood why, it wasn't the same for me as it was for my friends. I thought there was something wrong with me, like I wasn't good enough. The way they talked, it was special, nice. But why couldn't it be like that for me? When I did "lose it" it didn't feel the way it was supposed to.
And then I realized something, as I read that sentence. I already had it, he took that experience from me, the one I was waiting for. And I also realized it wasn't my fault. I didn't even realize I blamed myself until the thought crossed my mind. And I don't think I've ever, ever felt better about myself. I always thought all that therapist "not your fault" crap was, well... crap. You know, the stuff you hear in movies. And in the space of a couple seconds, I felt free, and I hadn't even realized I was being held back.
I thought that by just ignoring it, and thinking it could've been worse, would make me feel a little better. But actually facing it, head on, is what actually helped me. And it was because of a silly little article, about an actor that I can't even remember the name of.
I didn't write this to be all "boo-hoo, poor me". It was something I needed to get out. I don't care if you take it seriously, or even care. But if you do, then thanks.
mucho amor;
rachie
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