I'm scared.

The journal title is the only way I can sum it up because words just can't describe what I'm feeling.

I just got a call from my parents. I was with them and Sam at the hospice today but I came home with my aunt earlier. When I saw Sam today he was pretty "out of it". He was awake but he's on so many diffierent pain and anti-seizures meds etc that he was pretty dazed. He seemed comfortable though, which was a change from yesterday. He had weird moments, I would be talking to him and he'd zone out and I wouldn't be able to get his attention. At one point when he snapped out of it he said sorry and that he'd been dreaming. When I asked him what about he looked at me kinda confused and said he couldn't remember. =/ He had another med started before I left to make sure he dosen't feel any anixety and that made him really "high" and he was gazing in wonder at everything and saying the funniest things. I couldn't help but laugh at him at some things despite the horrible circumstances. He really did seem more comfortable then I'd seen in days.

I've learnt from my dad that that's changed. Apparently after I left the pain suddently brokethrough all the meds and he had a few hours of horrendus pain and just generally not being well at all. They were unable to get his pain under control but he fell into a sleep. Now, his breathing has changed. He is breathing very, very slowly, but seems peaceful.

It seems that we don't have much time left with him at all. I will be heading out there soon to be with him. (Thanks to my friend Gemma's dad who has kindly offered to drive me as obviously right now my parents don't want to leave Sam's side for a second.) I am so scared and my heart is breaking. I'm not ready to face this.

What will tomorrow bring? Oh, I don't even want to know. Right now I just want to be with my brother and family. It looks like we may be very soon saying goodbye to Sam. This is too hard!