What do you do when you want to have faith, but don't?

Originally posted in my MySpace blog: myspace.com/dope_ill
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I don't mean religion-wise.
In people. A person, actually.

Myself.

I can never find what I believe in.

Last night we stayed up till 3-4 talking about science and the paranormal, religion and war.

I know I have witnessed ghosts/the paranormal, but believing in science as I do, I also believe more that its just my head being wired wrong.
Wanting to believe my father was somewhere watching over me and wishing it so hard that I could smell him smoking when he had passed on weeks ago makes me now feel so saddened by what I have lost.
It might sound heartless but instead of missing him, I missed all the things we could never now do together.
I missed that I never asked him questions or opinions.
I always treated him like he was a lost object, and not a person.

Believe me, I miss him. This isn't my point though.

Its just, when I moved to the first house in Pingelly, it was the first ever house I'd lived in without my father.
And I didn't sleep for all the time I was there.
Mum believed it was ghosts, and I went along with it because I believed there was somebody in that room who hated me so much.
We got in clairvoyants (...did I even spell that right?) and they confirmed we had ghosts. they set some shit up and we felt a significant cut-down of spirit activity.
Years later, I realised I probibly just had Insomnia. And even now a lack of sleep makes me a paranoid person. Like, insanely paranoid. So that was probably it.

Now my mum is weird. I love her but she is. I have this knack for "reading" peoples minds when we are close to each other (physically & like, close friends), and she is convinced that I can read peoples minds.
Like I text Sarah asking is we can have Tacos for dinner and it turn out they were on her mind. Oooooh. More crepy was one time me and Shannon bust out singing the Angela Anaconda theme song for no reason AT THE EXACT SAME TIME. And the last time we talked about that show was about 3 months ago.
I have a bunch of theories on it, but the most logical and scientific reason for that I can conclude is that my friends are alot like me.
Of course Mum is convinced I can read minds if I believe in myself. Oh. and the future, mum thinks we both have a weird little knack for that.

Basically the future is a guessing game. So I have guessed a couple of things that have ACTUALLY HAPPENED, but I have guessed so much more that haven't. And being scientific, I can only tell the future if I am 100% right every single time.
Its silly though, because i want to believe in magic, and mind reading,
But scientifically, its not going to ever happen.

God is another thing that baffles me.
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN THE BIG BANG. It has to be a load of horseshit.
I dont believe in God.
I believe in evolution.
I beleve that the Bible is just a suped-up history book chocked-full of morals.
If there is a God, I don't believe there is only one.

I cant commit to a belief.
I cant even commit to the belief that my father is dead. Its silly.

Wishful thinking and a strong belief in science has made me one weird kid.