Reflections.

Time to look back on 2008, I think. Seeing as I've been so... ugh lately.

I'll always remember January 2008. It's scarred me in ways that nobody else can see. The threats I received over Bebo... they've stuck. It hurts to know I was treated that way.

I didn't discover HIM, but I certainly fell in love with them. At the start of the year, I was so fucking close-minded. My Chemical Romance was the only band I saw, everything and everyone else was like... second. Cradle of Filth didn't exist to me, neither did Negative or 69 Eyes or... anyone, really. HIM opened my eyes to so much, from new bands to a new sense of purpose.

Thinking back to 2007, I'd say I love you to anyone. Hell, I was saying it at points last year; it had no meaning to me. Now, It takes so much for me to say I love you to a person, and even more for me to mean it. It's the same with beautiful. Now, I think I know the meaning of both terms, and they have an importance to me now. It pisses me off when I see people writing "I love so-and-so" all over whatever it may be; from books to Bebo pages, when the next week/day/month/whatever you will they'll have another name written there instead. Love is... it's indescribable. It's not a word I will ever use loosely again. And beautiful... I hate how on the vanity groups on Bebo, the comments are "omg so beautiful" on the photo of a scene queen, or someone with cool hair. Now, it takes a lot for me to say someone is beautiful. Jess is beautiful, yes, as is every single one of my friends who have helped me through whatever it may be. They are beautiful because not only are they beautiful on the outside, but on the inside too. I could never refer to a random person on Bebo or Myspace or anything as beautiful. And in saying this, I know people will say I'm contradicting myself when I call Ville or Bam beautiful, but I truly believe they fit my definition of the word perfectly.

Maybe it was the huge wave of... whatever it was that got me out of the My Chem fandom. Whatever it was, I'm thankful for it. When I used to spend my days lurking on ImNotOkay.net, I could see the controversy and arguments flaring up all over the place, and it scared me. I hate to think that, had I not fallen in love with HIM and moved out of the fandom, I would be so different. I still love My Chem, don't get me wrong. Their music is still good, but... in fanfiction and in the real world, I've moved on. It's sad, yes. It's sad that Jess had to tell me that Lyn-Z was pregnant or that they have a new album coming out soon. Even then, as Gaby once said, I was far too preoccupied with Ville getting a haircut to really notice Lyn-Z's pregnancy. And now, I've even sort-of left The Used behind; I'm so overly psyched for Cradle of Filth touring here in May to realize or remember The Used are coming out with an album next month.

I can't help but think, and even fear, where I would be today had I not found HIM.

It wouldn't be that my iTunes 'Finlandia' playlist would consist of HIM and The Rasmus, or perhaps not even exist. It wouldn't be anything as small as that. It would have significance; I know that much.

Maybe my writing would be different. Maybe I wouldn't write. Maybe I'd be lacking inspiration; both for writing and for living.

Oh, I don't know.

Back to reflecting, though. 2008 was a difficult year. I met Gaby, and spent the better part of the year sitting with her, Jess, Laura, Ben, Jackie, Gabby... everybody. I came out of my shell, I suppose. Then, Jess left, and that was kinda sudden and unexpected in a way. It was strange just without Jess, but when Gaby left at the end of the year... it was like being thrown into a different place. I'm still a bit mad at myself for not being there for Gaby's last three days; I had tonsillitis. I'm keeping the card she gave me with my Christmas present forever. Those words... they hit home, and hard.

I was really close to Bonnie for a while, then she muffed it up with her little prank at the end of the year. Secret Santa, right, and she gave me goddamn... a half-empty bottle of headlice lotion.

Gah.

I'm ending this here before I go on until the early hours of morning.