A Heart thats Breaking..

I don't know why. I'm not understanding anything at the moment right now.
Most of the things are okay, but why do I feel like everything is falling apart?
Damn this time of the month...

My grades are okay.
My parents accept my awkward morbidity and pervertion.
My brother and I barely fight anymore.
Im interconecting with my relatives more...

But only...

I'm still depressed. I don't think anything is okay.
My heart hurts like hell; almost to the point that I would rather rip it from my chest.
My stomach churns feeling like I'm always about to vomit.
There are visibly physical signs too.
My cuts and bruises heal slower than before.
it used to take about a week for a scar to regenerate, but now its been two weeks and it hasn't even closed up.
My hair is sorta falling off now more than usual when I take a bath---or maybe I'm just paranoid.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
Kathleen not inviting me to her party might have something to do with it, we used to be the best of friends in the seventh grade. Without her and Marta, I would have never met my one true love...

But maybe that is the problem...
Im getting stressed over missing someone.
He means everything and more to me---he's the only one for me. I'm going to marry him and everything, and thats what he wants too.
People might think I'm obsurd for thinking this at a tender age of 14 but I know deep in me, his path is the way I'm supposed to meet.
It just hurts me so much knowing that he can't be with me at the moment.

I know he loves me entirely, and I back.
But this---being away from him for my whole teenage years---is making me want to just give up.
The only person that knows and understands everything I'm going through, can't comfort me, or rather hold me.
I can't go calling him at the middle of the night crying and sobbing over how my parents don't know me.
I can't hug the pain away when he's suicidal---trust me, there have been lots of days.

He made me open up :) know who I am.
Learn to trust my thoughts and stand up.
Taught me to love myself and others more.
Hes made me a better person than I ever was, and I don't mind the times where he had mood swings, everything was worth it.

So what probably is tearing me is knowing I--- I can't litterally be with him.
Hes in my heart, and me in his, but were so far I could feel the distance twinge a damper in me.

This hurts so much;
I hate this part right here.......
January 19th, 2009 at 01:34pm