The only thing that's going to bother me is that you'll all call yourselves my friends.
It seems to me like a lot of the things that I realise, or that hurt me, I realise much later on. Perhaps it's because I push things away, not wanting problems, all the while having the mental problems presented by this sort of shit. Then later, when it's... less of an issue, things bring themselves up like vomit inside my mind and heart and I start thinking.
Some months ago, I started going out with a friend of mine, who was called Daisy. Yes, Daisy was a girl. So yes, I was a girl, going out with a girl. We were never exactly exhibitionist about the relationship or anything but yeah, somehow, rumours got out and I ended up being a walking target for the single minded fuckers who think they're so funny for months.
People in my hometown, people in my school, they don't like gay people. Most of them. My own friends had no issue with it, so that was cool enough, or so I thought. Yeah... I do think. They're cool. Open minded. It's just a shame none of them bothered to do fuck all, you know?
The other night Danni and Grace and Hattie were staying at mine... and somehow we ended up being on about ages ago, when I was "being bullied."
It's funny, because I never really... thought of it like that at the time. What they mostly did was ask stupid questions designed to humiliate me and amuse other people around. I dunno how many times I rolled my eyes, or said fuck you or just brushed it off, or ignored it. I just... I pushed it all away, I guess I pretended it wasn't happening. I very, very rarely let it become visible that it bothered me in front of the bastards. I don't want to be a victim.
But yeah. It happened all the same, and you know what? I had to fight my own corner for the whole time. Because no one else spoke up for me.
So the other night... one of the things Danni said about that whole time sticks vividly in my mind now.
I don't know how you did that. If it was me I would have literally had a mental breakdown."
And they all went on to call me strong and all that bullshit.
Yeah. I did it all BY MYSELF. Because I HAD TO. Because YOU, supposedly my close friends, NEVER DID A THING. YOU NEVER TRIED TO STAND UP FOR ME, DEFEND ME OR SO MUCH AS HELP ME OUT!
I don't even remember any of them just going "ooh, are you alright?"
I didn't... press the issue with Danni as she said it and I realised it, I just kind of... thought about it a bit. I don't see the point in starting another fight now, especially as all of them are going through their own crap. Just... yeah.
I don't want to be a victim, I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be spineless. I will not be bullied.
...But sometimes, there's no stopping these buggers. Yeah, I held my head up, yeah I fielded every rude remark or joke sent my way with a snarling comment or a similarly insulting joke. Yeah, I acted like your words couldn't touch me.
But you know what?
I was a fucking mess inside. Thanks a lot for your help, guys.
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