Blue Lights of Vanity

When I hit mile marker 18 the light around me was nothing more then a blue haze. Things rolled into slow motion as I drove pass my old school and down the street. I got really sad all at once. The familiarization was overwhelming. I saw everything from both an outsider and insiders view. The trees looked the same around the school but when I looked closer the school seemed so alienated to me. The once warm walls were aged in my memories. The fields were blanked in snow untouched and I knew at once I didn't belong like I used to. I used to walk this place with proud steps, but I felt lonely and misplaced; a misfit yet again. I hadn't been there in almost a year and I don't think it was right to go back.

When we hit marker 18 heading away a sense of vanity replaced the haze and I wanted to cry. The pain that I grew numb to washed me over. Stupid I know but when you realize old pain it feel almost the same when you first feel it. I never understood why and I don't think I want to understand. Maybe this is one of those moments I should cut away. Just cut it away so I don't have to feel it anymore. I thought maybe if I went back everything would be different. That I could walk like I still belonged no matter what type of screwiness happened. Guess I thought wrong, wouldn't be a first.

I can work through this...I know I can. I think the first step is to never go back. No wait I think I should and fix myself there, hang out with old friends, grab a coffee, or sit in the park and draw landscapes. And from there I'll fall into one of my Eminem songs and work it all out to the best I'm capable of.

TIAD,

A